Sunday, April 2, 2023
I was visiting my brother at night at his house. Then he suggested that we go in his car to another place. In the parking lot, another truck was over my brothers car, crushing it. Then there was a guy who held a gun to my brothers head threatening him. Weird disturbing dream, whatever. Then a few people were with me. We had swords, toy lightsabers and even nunchuks. Someone said the best thing to bring was a gun. My brother was released very soon after.
Then someone suggested to go on a trip. I went on a train. I was looking out over the roof. A lady below was crossing the tracks. I thought she'd get hit. I screamed out. Turns out she didn't get hit and was fine. There was a train going to the other direction on the track to the left. I yelled at them. They heard me but I didn't hear them. One man on the train with me asked my why this is so.
I explained that when I first yelled at them, the trains were approaching one another. But when it came time for them to return the yell or the greeting, the trains were headed away from one another. Sound is like a 3D entity. If you are on one of two vehicles that are moving away from one another then you won't hear the sound from the other vehicle.
I got off at the stop before WalMart. I looked out and saw a large house that was a hotel. It was covered with 10,000 small Christmas lights and looked cozy. I asked the lady next to me if ithis was the United States or Canada. The lights of that house were so many and on such a grand scale that I thought we were in the United States. The lady replied that we were still in Canada.
I recognized this as the stop before WalMart. I walked to the street to get something to eat. Then I decided that I did want to stop at WalMart. When I looked behind me, the train was starting to move very slowly. I ran back and saw the lady inside the train saying "Stop the train. There's one more passenger." I ran to the ticket booth and asked the ticket seller if he could stop the train so that I could go to WalMart, which was the next stop. He shook his head, no. The train was moving on. End of dream.
Tuesday, April 4, 2023
Afternoon nap 1: 5:30 pm to 6:00 pm
I was in a room next to a door. A hallway was just outside. In this room in a corner to the right of the door was a big cobweb. Outside of it, on a ledge were two dark brown medium sized spiders. They were quite large. I was feeding the spiders something.
Then I walked away and the cobweb which formed a large triangle was coated with lots of dust and lots of dead flies. In it was a very large black spider. It fell out of the cobweb. It scare me.
Then teleport. I was outside. Daytime. Next to and to the right of a large closed grey sliding metal garage door was a patch of grass. On that grass was a large spider. It had a blue body and a light brown abdomen or very back part. There was a drinking straw on the spider. I used another drinking straw to pry it off. I didn't want to get my hand too close to the spider. Then there was another spider in the front part of the patch of grass, that part that connect to the street in front of the grey metallic garage door.
Then I saw another of such spiders. 3 spiders. The one closest to the street started to move somewhat aggressively. That was when I screamed. Dream over.
Afternoon nap 2, dream 2:
I was partying at a palace. This was set in the past before World War 1. Then someone left the palace and was on a train. I went with this person. Daytime. This person who looked like a middle aged military colonel, large grey mustache and grey military uniform. He was sitting on a bed of a train, no car, just the base or the bed of the train. It was going along the tracks to some destination.
The train hit a dumpster along the way but kept going. It hit something else and stopped for awhile. I walked along the entire train. There were other passengers. The person I was with the colonel lifted a blanket on another train bed and discovered his friend Roger. Then on another train bed he saw some cigarettes which had printed on it, ROYAL all in white letters. The guy said to Roger, "These are Royalist cigarettes. You stole them from the party." There was a bunch of other soldiers wearing black uniform jackets and white shirts beneath. I said to them, "I got to admit something to you. I'm a time traveler from the future. The Titanic is going to sink. I have to warn you. I'll prove it. They forgot to bring the binoculars. There have only white flares which are for parties. They need red emergency flares which they didn't bring. There are lifeboat regulations, number of passengers for lifeboats. They need 25 lifeboats. They only have 16."
Weird dream, I know.
I then said, "The train crashed into a couple of things along the way. This was no accident. This was life's way of trying to prevent the passengers from going to the Titanic. But the train keeps moving on because the forces of fate are too strong."
I then see the colonel seated on a window seat with the window to his left on board the Titanic. He is thinking that he should have stayed at the party. Now knowing what is to happen, he wonders and is upset and scared about the forces of fate.
Then back to the train, as it is just about to approach the Titanic, but it is still about a couple of miles away, I see a tiny old lady who wants to get on the Titanic. I ask if I could help her, if I could carry her in my arms. She says, Yes, that she does need help. I tell her about the upcoming Titanic disaster and the captain's name is Edward Smith.
Then it seems that all the shrimp that was supposed to be on the Titanic and served for dinner wasn't there. It was missing. The old lady explained that a local fish merchant who worked in town liked to serve the shrimp in the seafood chowder and he used it all up. End of dream.
As I was waking up from the song, I heard the song from Colin James, Why'd You Lie? As I was hearing the guitar solo. I got a heavenly feeling.
Wednesday, April 5, 2023
I was at a library. There was a bunch of people with me. We were looking at a map of BC. On the map was a town called Creston. I said, "That town is on the way to Dawson Creek and Fort St John." I then said, "I stayed in Fort St John but I liked Dawson Creek better even though Dawson Creek is a smaller town that Fort St John." The person next to me said something really weird. He said, "When I was younger I went to a children's day camp in Fort St John. I'm from Nova Scotia. Michael Dunahee was at that camp too."
Really weird because MD is the name of a young boy who got abducted and murdered at a local park in Victoria BC in 1991. That story is ingrained deep in the local psyche or the local subconscious because that story is still talked about on the News every year on the anniversary of his death. So many people got abducted and or murdered or else lots of weird things happened to people over the years and lots of people died yet that one story gets a lot of or perhaps a disproportionate amount of attention. It's a local infamous legend like The Legend of Sleepy Hollow or Jack the Ripper.
Then I was in Chinatown Vancouver. I walk down a street and I was walking East on the South Side of the street on Pender between Main St and Gore Ave in Vancouver. As I was near Gore Ave, I looked to the left and saw my father eating a bowl of rice. He had all grey hair. I decided to walk on but then I walked back to talk to him. I then sensed that we were in a shop.
I said, "Dad! I just want to say hi!"
He smiled and said, "Don't worry."
I said to him, "But I am a worrier!"
I said to him, "But I am a worrier!"
He then stood with his back towards a large shop window. I then noticed that he was a lot taller than. A lot.
He said, "Don't worry, take it easy."
I said to him, "I remember a dream where you said to me, "Take it easy, dude.""
He then smiled showing his lower teeth which were all perfectly white yet crooked, crooked lower teeth, and quickly touched my nose playfully with his finger.
I walked out of the shop past him weeping tears of love, happy bittersweet tears of love. It felt heavenly.
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I've had a lot of heavenly dreams lately or else dreams with heavenly moments. That's good.
I wonder if my father is still alive. If I find out that he isn't, I would feel shocked and scared. All those years I could have contacted him and I didn't. But when I looked for him online, he was listed under 5 different addresses. Or maybe he moved around a lot. And his wife, my stepmother is someone that I am very scared of. She's crazy and not in a good way. But we are all a little crazy in our own way. I'm crazy in my own way too.
In that dream my father looked really tall because in that part of the dream, my dream spirit of ghost morphed into that of a child. At the end of the movie The Shining part 2 as Danny died, his spirit was that of a child and he saw his mother and she was softly stroking his face.
I once had a dream where I saw William Burroughs sitting in a chair with a window behind him. He appeared as a child then zap then he appeared as a teenager then zap he appeared as an adult then zap he appeared as an old man. Snap, snap, snap, snap. Instant morphing from one age to another.
So it's possible in that part of the dream, my spirit was that as a child seeing my father. The love I felt from him was so intense that I walked away sobbing bittersweet tears of happiness.
I don't think I'll ever get married. Every person is a set of advantages and disadvantages. It's mutual. A man feels this about a woman and a woman feels this about a man. I don't want to take on a set of disadvantages that I don't have to and I don't want to give a set of disadvantages to a lady, not if I don't really have to. Stay single. My sex drive has gone out the window and I have sex anxiety which is one less reason I should ever get involved with a woman and get married.
A lot of women, like Heather, are takers. As long as you offer, even if it's out of guilt, they will take. No consideration. No words of, "You have been doing a lot for me lately. You should take some time off and get some rest." Nothing like that. I give thoughtfulness and get thoughtlessness in return.
I will be happy when I decide to move on and to not visit Heather so much. It's difficult because she does have a sweetness that I'm drawn to and a vulnerability that makes me want to protect her and care for her like a pet owner cares for a pet.
I have this fear that if I leave her and give up on her and abandon her, her health will get worse and she might die. This is self imposed emotional blackmail and a classic case of caregiver guilt. I think that even if I leave her for more than 3 days let alone a week or two, she will get sick and die. I'm chained to her and will be for God knows how long.
Heather is a bottomless hole. I guess every woman is. Every woman is a rabbithole, a bottomless hole. Sometimes they're even a lost cause. I'm sure women feel the same way about men. I wouldn't blame them because they'd be right.
Thursday, April 6, 2023
I dreamed that I visited Thailand and then the Philippines.
In the Philippines, I was at a Royal place and there was a Royal portrait that I painted over but didn't do a very good job. It was a portrait of someone in the BRF.
Then I told someone that the Philippines was a peninsula and it didn't take too long to get from one end of it to the other, to the airport. I don't know why I dreamed this because the Philippines is an archipelago of about 7,000 islands.
Then I found out that I didn't go to the Philippines, that I dreamed of it, a dream within a dream.
Strange dream, as usual. I never heard of a normal dream. They are all pretty out there.
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Travel is a good idea. Once you can make it through a travel experience then everything else in the home town will be gravy.
If one stays in a comfort zone too long, the comfort zone will shrink.
As it is, I don't really want to travel anywhere except to Vancouver.
I used to be interested in traveling to England but now I'm not sure that I really want to do that. I would go with a group of people that I trust like someone from Church. Otherwise it's Vancouver.
Vancouver is heavenly.
I'm not glad that I left Vancouver but I'm not upset at it either. Victoria BC is a very beautiful city. Victoria BC has always intrigued me. I'm glad I got to know Beacon Hill Park. There are peacocks and peahens at Beacon Hill Par which reminds me of Stanley Park in the old days. I'm glad I got to know the beach at Dallas Road and Holland Point Park. I'm glad I got to know the James Bay Inn and I'm also glad I got to know Sidney BC aka Sidney By The Sea. There are some really strong and good small town vibes in that town.
Friday, April 7, 2023
A spectacular Royal dream. I was walking down a hall with Prince William and Queen Elizabeth. It was an ornate hall with pillars and large windows which let in white light from the outside. I wish I could remember it more distinctly. At one point the three of us went into a room and saw Prince Harry and Meghan Markle standing on a raised platform. Prince Harry was wearing a dark blue suit and Meghan was wearing a dark purple sweater. I called her, "Princess Meghan." The dream went on and on for awhile but I don't remember most of it now.
Then I was at a motel in Alberta called Go Duck Go. Then I zoomed out and away from the motel. Zooming out and zooming out and even to Vancouver I was still zoomed out and looking in the direction of that motel in Alberta.
Then i was back at the motel in my motel room. I looked out the window of this motel room and saw a parking lot with a few medium sized rocks. It was very cloudy and rainy. I was thinking then, "Traveling is exhilarating. Every second to be actually here is exhilarating. It's different than being safe at home."
Then I was in Dawson Creek but aboard a boat that reminded me of the RCMP St Roch in Vancouver. The boat was emptied out of any furniture except wooden benches that looked like pews in a Church. There were lots of people there except for one important lady who was the manager or the curator. Then the boat itself moved to the top of a hill where there were rocks forming a slight V along a roadway. There was lots of water running along this roadway of grey medium sized granite rocks because it had rained. When it doesn't rain, there is no water along that roadway.
"This is the real creek that Dawson Creek is named after. The other creek along 5th Avenue is just a rivulet.", I thought.
This roadway was next to a townhouse complex where the curator lady lived. The townhouses were dark brown in color.
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I wish I was one of the people on the St Roch. However everyone on the St Roch was a Police Officer and tall and White. There wasn't anyone who wasn't White on the St Roch except for a few Eskimos.
The St Roch is intensely nostalgic.
This is rosy retrospection or the Camelot effect. This is the belief that the past is way better than the present. The past is often referred to as the golfen age. At the time they sure didn't think it was the golden age. When Carly Simon released the song Anticipation in 1971 with the lyrics "These are the good old days." they sure didn't think it was the good old days then. It was the time of the Vietnam War and people getting drafted and the time of the OPEC embargo with sudden soaring gas prices with cars going from huge tanks like Chevy Impalas to compact cars like Peugeots and Yugos and Fiats and Datsun 510s and Honda hatchbacks. A famous book has the words, "Those days had their troubles too."
The St Roch was probably very difficult. The men on board probably suffered from some degree of long term exhaustion aka burnout. Not getting enough sleep for weeks, months on end will do it. It creates an intensely painful feeling all over the body characterized by profound anxiety. The temperatures in the Arctic make Dawson Creek seem tropical. And the temperature in Dawson Creek is usually minus 20 degrees Celsius. They lived in cramped quarters.
I know someone at Church who said he worked on a boat in the Arctic. I asked him if it was like the St Roch. He said it was way better than the St Roch. It was a large modern freighter sized ship with fully electrically heated rooms.
We think of the past as something being better and usually think of the future as being something worse. These are cognitive distortions.
A psychologist named Meg Jay said that we think of our future selves the same way we think of strangers in something called an empathy gap.
I myself fear the future and I don't think that I have what it takes to negotiate the course of the rest of my life and the future too. The future is too overwhelming.
A person who is very old and about to die looks ghastly and wretched. Hospice Nurse Julie on YouTube sometimes shows videos of dying patients at the hospice she works at.
But a person at birth looks ghastly and wretched too. Coming into the world is just as scary if not scarier than leaving the world. A newborn baby covered with placental mung and being all wrinkly looks wretched. Like someone once said, "Be submerged in water for 9 months and then be squeezed out of hole smaller than a car tailpipe and let's see how you look like."
The Why Files and other channels on YouTube regularly talks about aliens.
Aliens aren't real.
A cognitive distortion is to fill in the blanks and answer any questions regarding basic universal fears like what happens after death which isn't any more knowable than what if anything lives in a planet a thousand light years away. It is better to question an answer than to answer a question.
Aliens are a from of Freudian wish fulfillment. Humans are so scared of being alone in the Universe that the only way to assuage this fear is to come up with the idea of aliens. Voltaire said, "Even if God didn't exist, it would be necessary for man to invent him." The same thing with aliens too. Even if aliens didn't exist...
The word spaceship and the idea of aliens existed for a long time even before the invention of radio and television. It's inference. There is life on Earth. There are ships that sail the sea that have been invented. There are stars in the sky. Put them together and you get, there could be life elsewhere like there is here, the stars are like a sea and there could be ships that sail across it.
If aliens and UFOs and whatever may or may not have crashed in Area 51 a government top secret of the highest military security clearance, why are there so many hundreds if not thousands of science fiction movies that depict aliens and UFOs and spaceships of one kind or another such as Close Encounters of the Third Kind and Star Wars and Star Trek? Why are there so many t shirts and clothing that depict aliens and UFOs? The government knows about it and yet permits it to happen.
In the movie Paul, the alien said, "The government slowly drip feeds you information about aliens for decades so when it is announced that aliens exist, people won't have a world wide massive panic attack."
I still don't know if they exist. If they have such advanced technology, they could enslave us or herd and coral us into these algorythmic segmented structures, divide et impera, divide and conquer.
Aliens are as smart compared to humans as a human farmer is smart compared to the animals that he farms. A chicken looking out at a chicken coop to a farmer is like us looking at a UFO with aliens in the window of that UFO.
If aliens have such advanced technology, they could easily kill us all.
But aliens are just as more spiritually advanced as they are technologically advanced as humans.
Aliens have a strong mind that's for sure. The moon is 30 Earth lengths away. Even Mars let alone the other planets is 2 million Earth lengths away.
On a space ship, a glorified tin can floating in space, all the functions your planet had for you, this spaceship would then have for you. The spaceship would be your planet.
And in the mind, one counts Earth lengths and once one passes ten thousand Earth lengths away from Earth, that's when the mind cracks like an egg.
The Why Files secret space program episode aired on April 6, 2023 talks about Star Raker and Space Warden and said that NASA has had scientists secretly go and visit all planets of the solar system. I think that's bull. No one is that brave. Saturn is 100 million Earth lenghts away or farther from Earth. So many Earth lengths away, the mind breaks down and deteriorates into fear and panic attack beyond anything panic attack that can be experienced on Earth. Even the Artemis 3 program about to visit the moon. The moon is 30 Earth lengths away. Past 10 Earth lengths away, the mind does a slight somersault and not in a good way. Fear, nervous breakdown, panic attack. Realistically, no human is brave enough to travel in space. But I'm speaking for myself and projecting. I get scared easily though. Even the future and death and traveling to anywhere other than Vancouver such as London England, are things that I fear.
Aliens have a strong mind. They are so far away from their planet. Possibly trillions, that is trillions of planet lengths away from their home planet and they're not scared or in a state of constant panic attack and nervous breakdown. That's remarkable. That's if aliens exist. Maybe they don't. Aliens are all a collective fiction to address basic universal fears.
Saturday, April 8, 2023
I dreamed that I scored a quarter ounce of weed. I smoked it and liked it. Then I worked at a restaurant as a dishwasher. Earls restaurant. Then I returned home and found a lot of the weed was missing and what was lwdt, the buds turned a yellow colour. I missed working for a few days and the restaurant said if I missed to many shifts, I would lose my job.
Then I was in a car driving down an alley with a muddy road. Someone called me from a distance behind the car and I walked back to them. They were people I knew. I thought if I ever get money id get some weed smoke it and then when it was finished, wait til next month to score weed again.
Sunday, April 8, 2023
I was at a library and saw my old friend from years ago, Caitlyn who was my manager at my job at Expo Souvenirs at Expo 86. We hugged. Then she took me to a section of the library where there were books about canoes.
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Caitlyn has a very exotic looking face. But then, who doesn't?
Monday, April 9, 2023
I was at a museum. The museum had exhibits, pron exhibits about old women getting it on with younger men.
Then one area of the museum had sandy floors and from the sand emerged a lot of crabs. I left the museum with a lobster while I ate half the lobster with melted butter in a small white plastic ramikin. I ate the claws and the legs which the legs barely had any meat if any at all. I ate a small piece of the main body of the lobster. Some people were to the right side of me, two restaurant workers. One asked the other why they were reading Playboy magazine throughout the dinner break.
Then I was at a house and my cousin Tom visited with my grandmother. My grandmother had all grey hair but she ran very quickly up the stairs making footstep noises, clompety clomp clomp.
I even siad to her that she ran fast. We all went to a room where I signed some papers that said that they were allowed to visit me.
Then my cousin Tom drove me and my grandmother to McDonald's. Outside in the alley where the McDonald's was, a large dog bit my left arm at where the elbow is. In the dream I recall being at this McDonald's location many times before with my cousin Tom and each time that dog bit me.
Finally some animal workers arrived and euthanized that dog for biting people too many times.
I said to my cousin Tom, "Why do you keep bringing me to this McDonald's knowing that there is a dog which bites me? Are you retarded? And then a lot of the time, you decide at the last minute to go to another McDonald's."
End of dream.
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My grandmother died 20 years ago! To see her in the dream and running up the stairs so fast.
" For the dead travel fast." Bram Stoker, Dracula
I don't think I have the strength to negotiate the future. Life is too overwhelming. But I should remember that like politics, the future is neither as good or as bad as it appears to be. Instead of spending time dwelling on problems and worrying about things that will never happen, I should enjoy the things in life that are often taken for granted. My health, my big screen television etc.
I get suspicious of the people at Church. All religions are cults and some religions are culty cults which is worse than just a cult and all Churches are traps. All Churches are groups that want to coopt people to join them because misery or else disillusionment or else delusion loves company.
I think the people at Church are plotting something bad against me. Or else just glad that they cooped another person into their weird cult or sect.
All denominations of Christianity seem at first to be different than other denominations of Christianity. Once you get close enough to know them for awhile they then claim that they are not so different than other denominations of Christianity. Once you've known them for quite some time, then they really let you know that they are different from other denominations. Things like saved through faith alone or saved only with the presence of the Church, baptism means something or baptism doesn't mean much and you can quit at any time. Etc etc. Differences like this.
Life is a trap. Any Church you go to, any restaurant you become a regular of, they all want to coopt you or want your money or donations. That's why I don't know if I could handle my future.
I'm glad I never had any children. I am someone who tends to worry about my friends and others. What kind of future will my children have? The population on Earth doubles every 35 years. There is 8 billion now. If any child born today would live to at least 70, then in 35 years, the population will be 16 billion. 35 years after that, 32 billion with all the plastic waste, billions of tons produced every year going into the oceans or where ever. The Human race won't last another 200 years. It's finished. Game over for the human species or else some major extinction event will happen and only a handful of humans will survive to start again. Maybe this happened before with Atlantis, whether Atlantis is real or not.
Life is a death sentence. Anyone who is born will some day die. To have children is to sentence a few people more to eventual inevitable death. Life isn't worth living because one day death will happen and death is very scary.
One of the things worth living for is good music. The song Shock Treatment from Psychic Mirrors is life changing. It is incredible, heavenly and is one of the things that truly make life worth living for. The lady who sings in Psychic Mirror seems like a goddess. There is something very wholesome and lovable about her. Of course that's projection. Who knows what people are really like especially musicians in a rock band who are known for drinking whisky, taking drugs like cocaine and having tattoos and being into a lot of eccentric and eclectic things. She has the voice of an angel.
Focus on the things that you're sure of, not on things that you're unsure of. One of the surest things is listening to good music and playing a favorite app on a tablet.
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Sleep 7 am to 9:30 am.
I was walking with Heather to a museum during the daytime. She was walking and not in a wheelchair or scooter. We passed a cement ledge which was a large cement planter box with trees. I saw two large stacks of coins. They were Canadian quarters with Queen Elizabeth on the coins. I picked up 4 coins from each of the two stacks and a couple of other coins in smaller stacks, dimes and nickels. Me and Heather walked a short distance away. Then I walked back and picked up some more coins.
There were two young ladies. They asked me if I had to take so many coins.
I said to them, "I took the coins because I had Royal dreams. I had a Royal dream where Queen Elizabeth was making faces at me with her eyes looking up and to the side. And I had dreams of King George the VI too. Do you ask people questions everywhere you go? I would say nothing and let it go."
Then me and Heather went into a museum that was also a Library. The library looked cosy and the decorations reminded me of England making me think that it would be all right to go to England. Heather went to see a movie in the museum.
Then I found a black umbrella and was doing one handed fencing moves making sure to shuffle my feet and advance with each few sword strokes. There was someone behind me. He was a young man in his 30s with a blonde mop top haircut. He was wearing a thick dark green sweater. He was a plainclothes security guard and he was asking me what I was doing. He said I was kicked out because something I did earlier. I wanted to fight him. He sensed that. He was carrying a shotgun made of wood and he wrestled me down in front of him with the shotgun horizontally and laterally holding me down.
He escorted me to his office and then he left me in the hallway while he went into his office door.
I asked him, "Was it because I was talking about my Royal dreams?" He didn't reply.
I went to look for Heather at the movie theatre within this museum library. She was seated in one of the center rows. I sat down to the right of her. There was a young child who looked at me for a moment and then went away. She said that she was watching a John Lennon movie and wanted to get back to the part where she came in to watch the movie.
I walked down the hall with her. Then a male Librarian called me over. He said he wanted to talk to me about something. He said, "You walked along a muddy path to the Library. Would you permit this if you owned a proprietary house? And then here we have some drawings you made a few years ago. The view from Windsor Castle."
"The view from Windsor Castle?" I asked.
Then he showed me a drawing I made of Pender Street in Vancouver at night looking East between Jackson Ave and Princess Avenue. There was a female RCMP Officer. She had long blonde hair in a ponytail. She was standing next to and to the right of a grey car with the passenger door open and she was fighting a man to the right of her. Her right arm was slung under and above and across to the left where the top of her right wrist met and was pushing up the top of the left wrist of the man. Her left hand had the upturned left hand of the man and was bending downward and holding it. This is an aikido move. Dreams teach. Then close up. There was a man in the drivers seat of the car wearing a green jacket with diamond stitches. I sensed that he was a Police Officer in training. While holding the man in that aikido position, she held up her right hand in a flattened palm and pushed it towards the Police Officer saying that's what had to be done to complete the move. Dream over.
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Why does the topic of Royalty always come up in my dreams?
I don't want to go to England. It would be too overwhelming and I have problems with anxiety and I wonder if I have what it takes to handle my future.
I know people who are amputees. I wonder how they find the courage to live life. They lost a limb early in life yet they didn't just give up on life and commit suicide. I wonder how they find the courage to go on living. Their challenges are tougher than mine yet they can find the courage to go on living and to face the future.
And libraries are weird. The library gave me that cautionary censure note the other day.
I remember some real weird things about libraries over the years. At the Vancouver Public Library downtown, there was a deformed lady as a librarian. She was Chinese or Asian and had a large oversized head with these huge humongous black moles on her head. She looked like the female version of the Elephant Man. What was that about?
There was another female Chinese librarian. One time, as she checked my books out pushing them against a box that was a demagnetizer. She kept on pushing the books one after another and the books fell to the floor. I asked her what she was doing and she made an evil laugh and said, "You have to keep!" I called her a fucking idiot. I was angry. Why did she do that?
Then at the Victoria Library, one time I was owing $9 for a lost book. I had then decided to not go to the Library anymore. Then that Library kept on sending me letters, one or two letters a week for over two months about the $9 for the book. I thought that they didn't care about fines under $10 and it would have cost them more than $9 to send those letters.
Then there was at least one Librarian at the Victoria Library who gave me the meanest looks like they hate me.
Then a few weeks ago I got that cautionary censure letter from the Library.
Those places are weird. I don't think that things like this just happen to me. It's a system wide failure.
No one is legally required to go to the Library. Most of the people who live in my apartment building and most of the people I see at Church, I never see them at the Library ever. I think that most people have made that conclusion about the Library somewhere along the line. That the Library is a very sanctimonious and clinical place. They don't like people going in there more than 3 times a week at the very most. They probably don't like people going in there every day.
I would have never experienced those things at the Library if my mother had aborted me or if I followed through and committed suicide when I was a child at 10 years old as I made a few suicide attempts then. What I did was I put pencil crayon leads in my mouth as I went to sleep because someone had told me that pencils and pencil crayons are made of lead and lead is poisonous. I thought if I did that, I'd die in my sleep. That didn't happen but I told some people at school about that and then I got sent to a special art program where I met my friend Tam. Tam told me, "It's not OK to kill yourself." and she once said to me, "I love you to the sun and back."
Tam died in 1996 at age 46. Tam had a disease that made her look like she was 80 when she was 30 years old. She had Ehler Danos syndrome. It's baffling that it was her that told me not to commit suicide when it could easily have been the other way around. It should have been me telling her not to commit suicide.
That shows how depressed I am that even people who have a strange disease are telling me not to commit suicide.
If my suicide attempt at age 10 worked, then I would have never experienced all that weird crap at the Library over the years and that's crap that I could do without. Nobody could have predicted what a failure and what a mess my life has become. I really wish my mother had aborted me. If I could send her a message, this would be it. "Mom, why didn't you abort me when you had the chance? My life is a total screw up and a mess. Even you couldn't have predicted what a failure my life has become."
Seeing the weird crap that my life has become I wish I had died as an infant.
Wednesday, April 12, 2023
I was about to go to a family reunion party with all the relatives. Just before the part, I met with my cousin Tom. He told me that I was the one who was expected to pay for the pastries at the party. There were to be 375 orders of pastries enough for all the guests at $15 per order. I didn't know if I could afford it. Then I was told that I didn't have to pay for the pastries then I was told that I would have to pay for them.
Then there was a protest at night on Hamilton Street in Vancouver where the CBC was. I was there and there were some tall college guys who were my friends. They were part of the protest. They were on the East Side of Hamilton Street and asked me to cross the street to the West side of the street. There was someone in a parking attendant booth yelling and protesting. Then some Police arrived. One Police Officer pointed a gun at the booth. The cops were giving everyone a warning to disperse. The Police were wearing yellow glow in the dark vests.
The next evening I was at the protest again. I crossed the street from the West side of the street to te East side of the street and I saw Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. I said to him, "Prime Minister, it's an honour to meet you!"
I went back to attend the protest and then I was told the Prime Minister wanted to talk to me. I then went to talk to the Prime Minister again. I told him, "It was great to see you at the Ministers conference. The Ministers were great. Someone was beating a Native drum." This time I made sure to look him in the eyes when I spoke with him and not to always avoid looking into his eyes from shyness but also not to stare at him.
He asked me to walk with him. I walked with him for a few blocks. I spoke with him about the Minsters conference and the Native drum again as if it was a portentous issue and that it would be good to mention it again to underscore that. We then shook hands using both hands to shake the hands.
Trudeau said that he had to leave.
Trudeau got on a nice expensive mountain bike and was about to ride away.
I said to him in French, "Bon nuit. Car ton." He just looked at me and didn't say anything as if saying, 'You don't speak French. I know that. You don't have to speak French with me.'
As he was leaving, I saw Queen Elizabeth with who I sensed were two important politicians seated to her left. The politicians, one wore a dark Grey suit and the other wore a dark brown suit. They were all sitting on a cement ledge. Queen Elizabeth was old with a white round bouffant hairstyle. Her face looked tan. She was wearing a white dress with a blue sash across it and a diamond tiara too. She was looking right at me, looking slightly stern. Although at the time I didn't feel that it was too strange to see her there, I walked away remembering that she died so how could I be seeing her there?
I wanted to get back to the protest. I thought I was only two blocks away from the protest but I was a lot farther away than that.
One the way trying to get back to the protest, I walked though the hallway of a school. There was a long carpet on the floor and paintings on the walls. I was wondering, "Why did I meet PM Justin Trudeau? Does this mean that I'll be a politician when I get older? Impossible. I don't have the personality nor the necessary experience. PM Trudeau probably thinks I'm full of sh*t."
I was then on the outside landing of the school that was also a dining area. Some journalists were there. One of them was Adrienne Arsenault. We all sat at small brown round dining tables. Adrienne Arsenault sat to my left. I told them that, "I was trying to get back to Granville to see a protest. I walked with the PM. I thought I was two blocks away but am much farther away."
Adrienne Arsenault somehow had a map and on the map, pointed to Emily Carr College. I said, "That's Granville Island. I need to get back to Granville Street. Hamilton Street." I wondered if I could get back there but then the dream was over.
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The numerology. $375 at $15 each. 375 minus 15 is 360. 36 is an important number in Chinese culture.
Why do I see Royalty so often in my dreams? And meeting the PM. I've had quite a few dreams of the PM. What does this mean? I'm a nobody on welfare. Why would I be having dreams of meeting the PM and seeing Royalty? And vivid dreams at that. Dreams that go on and on.
It was a heavenly dream. One that I didn't want to wake up from.
Thursday, April 13, 2023
I was at the wooden sushi restaurant of an old Japanese man. He was the owner and chef. It was day time with white light coming in through the large wood framed windows. A White family with middle aged blonde haired mother entered the restaurant. The old Japanese man went to them and he was angry. He didn't want to serve them because of what White people did to him during World War 2, sent him to the internment camps in Canada.
Then night time. I was on a commercial jet airplane parked at English Bay in Vancouver. The airplane was facing the water. I looked and saw another plane to the right of the plane I was on. I sensed that I was supposed to be on that one. I went into the car of a young Japanese guy. Then we had to change to another car. I looked and was disappointed to see that the car was a two seater with only the driver and the passenger seat. These were white leather seats. Very white. In the dream world, there is what PMH Atwater calls the Master Vibration. So needless to say, these seats were very white in color, very clean. So white that it would remind me of the Ray Bradbury story, the ice cream shirt, the seats were as white as white ice cream. Anyways, the Japanese guy removed two large white leather cushions from the back of the car behind the driver and passenger seat revealing two more seats in the back. End of dream.
White is a color that often symbolizes Royalty.
Saturday, April 15, 2023
Weirdest dream. I hesitated to write this.
I was in Thailand. I saw a bunch of naked women in a room. Then it ruined out that these naked women were naked trannkes. They were all lying on their backs on the floor side by side at the foot of a bed. They all looked very much like women with the curvy hips but they had hard tumescent erect penises.
Then I saw a Royal King. Thailand. He was in a bedroom with a bunch of naked women but they were all normal women.
Then I visited a store with a Thai man. The Thais were so friendly. I had forgot how friendly Thailand is and to what level. They are so happy. Thailand is such a happy place so much so that I wanted to just stay there forever. I said in Thai, "Pom yak yu meungThai sameur by." meaning "I want to stay in Thailand forever."
I then saw a Thai Policeman wearing the to be expected brown Police uniform and brown Police hat walking up a small flight of stairs in front of a door. He was smiling almost laughing as he thought the entire scene of me wanting to stay in Thailand was amusing. That is so much like a Thai Police Officer. They are generally easy going. A lot of them, not all of them. As to be expected with the Police, a lot of them are hard core Machiavellian.
Dram over.
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The movie Ted with the talking Teddy bear starring Mark Wahlberg said,
"There is no such thing as chicks with dicks. There are only guys with tits."
If I had a chance to stay in Thailand I would. I often wish I were a Thai citizen rather than a Canadian citizen. I would have gotten laid lots in Thailand and probably gotten married and been a parent too. I don't know if marriage and parenthood would work for someone like me with my attitude and with my insights. Being a parent means parental burnout. I like and use the English language a lot more than the Thai language. Only about 2% of the World's population speaks Thai whereas a much bigger percentage of the World's population speaks English. Marriage at its worst is worse than being single. Marriage is kind of square, meet her parents and family who don't like me, wind up raising kids who I turn out not to like and have been estranged from for decades never ever seeing eye to eye. Or find out the child grew up to be a hardcore drug addict living in a tent city. Much better to have never been married. And then all the while speaking some language that I honestly don't like as much as I like English.
Different languages. English language, Chinese language, Thai language, these are issues I have to deal with for the next 20 years or so until I die. Then it won't be my issues anymore yet it would still be the World's issues. That's one reason I can't wait until I die. Different languages and towing the line of such languages is yet another existential weight.
In the afterlife, telepathy is used but there's still language.
I once wrote that,
Without language, telepathy would have no meaning.
Without telepathy, language would have no understanding.
Without a doubt some people would steal that from me because the human species and because life. Damn the wretched forces of life.
Why doesn't God just do me a solid and cut my life short and call it 'even'?
I don't know if I can or if I want to live another couple of decades if not more.
Sunday, April 16, 2023
I was in Vancouver again. What were the chances of that. At the time it seemed so real and I was sure and surprised at the same time that I was in Vancouver. How did I get here? I don't remember getting here. I felt like I was awake. It was at night and I was walking in a park paved with black cement.
Then I went into a store. Through a door then a passageway and then to the left was a shelf. On the shelf were toys I recognized since childhood and at my cousin's house. I pocketed a few of them.
I took them home and there were little round black bugs from the toys that were everywhere.
I went back to the store.
In another section if the store on a high wooden shelf near some windows were large light blue plastic toys, they were about 4 feet tall. One of the toys was ET the extraterrestrial.
I went back to the shelf where I first saw the toys I recognized from childhood. An attendant was there. I told him about the bugs. He hosed the bugs off in a huge white basin next to the shelf. It worked the bugs were gone. But I noticed that some of the familiar toys I saw before were gone.
Dream over.
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The future is so uncertain. I'm not sure I can handle the future etc etc etc.
Tuesday, April 18, 2023
Morning nap. 9:30 am to 10:30 am.
I saw my friend Wendy in the doorway of a basement. She took off her shirt that only covered her shoulders of a design of large blue and purple dots. On her shoulders was a large tattoo covering her shoulders which matched the design of the shirt she wore. I saw her beasts with light pink nipple. I put my hands on her breads, I couldn't resist a feel. Her nipple were hard.
Then she disappeared going left with a tall guy with long blonde hair.
A dog was lying down on my right leg as I was squatting. The dogs head rested on my right knee. And I had the right side of my cheek resting against the top of the muzzle of a dog.
As I was waking up I noticed that my right cheek was resting on my pillow which felt like the muzzle of that dog.
End of dream.
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Wendy. That's not very specific. How common is that name? I met a few Wendys in my life.
Why did I see her in my dream? Who the hell knows?
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Evening nap: 7 pm to 9 pm
Weird. Here goes.
I was in Southeast Asia. Darkened room, a bar a restaurant. I did some back flips jumping onto counters and tabletops. My toes gripping the edge of the tabletop and then I do a backflip. It's so easy in a dream. In real life I never did any backflip onto solid ground. Only in a swimming pool.
Then there was a fight with an Oriental guy. He had all these bloody sword slashes on his chest and torso even more intense than Bruce Lee in enter the dragon. He had some slashes on his crotch too and here's the bizarre part. Right on his crotch I saw a vagina. Very strange. He was wearing jeans but I saw a vagina where the crotch was.
He said he fought once and got these grains of sand in his thumb and they were there ever since.
End of dream.
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Weird dreams make me doubt heaven and make me fear the afterlife as dreams have a ghostly holographic set of physics that includes teleportation and telepathy. I never recall having to eat or drink or sleep or go to the washroom ever in dreams.
Wednesday, April 19, 2023
Morning nap 7 am to 9 am:
Someone had made a really good chemical that attracted insects. As soon as he smeared the chemicals on some magazines in a living room, lots of insects went to the chemical. Most of them died but there were still a lot of living insects that I couldn't get into the living room through a door in the living room which led outside.
My friend had a robot arm. I was asking my other friend, an old man who was an electronics expert to attach his robotic arm to a motor that I put somewhere so it could move better.
Then I was at UBC. Super weird part of the dream. Then I decided to rob a bank near UBC. I did it quickly and went back to the UBC campus. Some students noticed me.
I left there on a bus.
Then I wanted to go to UBC again. I went back on a bus through some winding curvy roads. I had an MP3 player with me on which I composed some music which sounded pretty good. For some reason, this music played through the bus louderspeaker in the bus. Other passengers noticed this music.
Then I was back at UBC this time at night. I got off the bus. I noticed the bus loop. I said to myself, "I'm in Vancouver again. It feels so good." Then I thought, "All my problems are over. All your problems are over, Holmes." quoting Sherlock Holmes.
I reached the end of a hallway where there was a fence. I sensed there was a sports game behind that fence. I levitate in a standing up position. The area behind the fence was concealed wit a curtain. So even then I couldn't see the sports game. Someone behind that fence, a male college student with dark brown hair. He was sitting in a chair and he looked at me as I was levitsting.
He was an amateur security guard doing security.
I went on through UBC, this time flying slowly in a lying down on my stomach position. A friend, spirit guide, old man electronics expert Gabe me some dark grey metallic ball bearings and small sized gravel stones. He told me to put them in my pocket. It would help my posture. It would help me be weighed down as levitating and floating all the time would not be dignified at a University. We walked up some stairs. I said to him, "Those students saw us and noticed us. They recognize me from the bank robbery."
At the top of the stairs we were outside. I dropped two ball bearings and a gravel stone on a bed of numerous other gravel stones that was just outside.
I have OCD even in dreams so I looked for the two two ball bearing hoping to find them again. I never did which frustrated me. Sometimes when you drop something, you can never find it again. But the gravel stone I found right away. I out it in my pocket and walked on. I thought the weight distribution would be better if I put the ball bearings and rocks in my front pants pocket rather than in my jacket pocket. So I transfered them from one set of pockets to another. I walked on with this spirit guide wondering what I could do with the rest of my time here now that I was here. Dream over.
Thursday, April 20, 2023
In Dawson Creek. I was at a restaurant with a bunch of people restaurant, chairs, tables and walls all made with dark brown unpainted wood giving the place a dim look with dim lighting. I sat at a table with a bunch of what we're once my coworkers. I said to them, "You don't look a day over 40." They laughed.
Then I went to another restaurant also made entirely of dark brown unpainted wood. This other restaurant was having buffet night. My old friend Charles the owner of the restaurant was there. There was lots of sliced roast beef and eggs served on oval transparent glass plates.
End of dream that I could remember.
Sunday, April 23, 2023
I was staying in Indonesia. I was staying with a young Indonesian couple. I had my things stashed in a drawer including my journals and a large walkman which was my second walkman.
I was exploring the town I was in.
At one point I was wearing a black T shirt that had a large picture of present King of Thailand mid chest up was on it. And I had a pin tag on my left chest with the previous King of Thailand. It was a white rectangular pin tag and there were red letters that read KING THAILAND.
Then I left Indonesia to Hong Kong which seemed to be just next door. After I left Indonesia, I remembered that I forgot some things in the drawers after I packed up. I looked and I had my walkman with me but I forgot my journals. End of dream.
In real life I did leave my journals in Dawson Creek. That's the wretchedness of life and makes me wish I was never born. Life has lost all it's magic for me. I envy the junkies who died of a drug overdose. The worst is over for them in a world that seems to just get worse and worse.
I don't know if I like talking about my royal dreams. People will think I'm crazy and making it up. The other day, on Thursday, I dreamed that I was floating and then someone told me that the Royals had been waiting for me for two hours but then they left.
Thursday, April 27, 2023
Afternoon nap.
Night time setting. I was flying around like Deadpool.
At one point I saw a traffic circle in the middle of a mini mall parking lot. There were 4 cars. One of them was Ronald Reagan riding in a black cigarette box shaped car. Ronald Reagan was wearing a black tuxedo and black pants with thin vertical white stripes. One of the cars was a rare antique cream colored BMW. I mentioned the cigarette box car.
I thought how interesting and awesome to se Ronald Reagan. At the time of the dream, I forgot that he died. He was alive right there in front of me.
"Mr Fezziwig, he's alive again!" A Christmas Carol
Sometimes I see signs confirming my dreams. Or I interpret them as signs. On Tuesday, May 2nd I saw a video on YouTube of President Obama meeting Anthony Bourdain in Vietnam. Sitting next to them was a lady wearing a black dress with vertical white stripes. The dress made me think of the pants Ronald Reagan wore in my dream.
Friday, April 28, 2023
I had two brown bears. A baby bear that was cute and a full grown mama bear that was mean and scary and big. Finally with the help of a conservation officer, I was able to get rid of the two bears.
Then I had two rabbits. A baby rabbit and a mama rabbit. They were white rabbits. White can be a royal color. Then the baby rabbit looked dead but as soon as I picked it up, it was breathing again.
Then I hung out with some Spanish people on the street.
Then I saw my friend Richard Levis. We were sitting on a large white mattress lying on the ground outdoors in a fenced yard on a sunny day. He told me he got one of those water bottles used for hamsters, Guinea pigs and rabbits and he used it and drank from it.
Then a grup of Spanish people approached us. One of them, a middle aged man wearing black plastic framed glasses called me "Loser!"
They were walking away. I called him a 'Spric!' which is a racially derogatory term but I said the word wrong.
I then asked him if he wanted to fight. He stood there as if to accept the challenge and then he and the group left.
I asked Richard about it. He said don't worry about it. Then I found out Richard had two black girlfriends. It seemed like he didn't have much money but he was sleeping with two young black ladies one of the ladies looked like Yolanda from that airport show Airport Security or something like that.
At first I felt a sharp burst of envy but then I remembered that my sex drive went out the window and I have sex anxiety so I then felt indifference rather than envy.
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I met women in Dawson Creek who every time I saw them, as soon as I got back to my apartment within 10 minutes, I masturbated thinking about them. That's how much they turned me on. I haven't met any women like that in this town.
If a woman isn't one who has that kind of effect on me, it isn't worth knowing her let alone chasing her or making any extra efforts to know her. It just isn't there.
No women in this town have that effect on me. To chase them or want to know them is a waste of time.
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Saturday, April 29, 2023
Last night I dreamed I went to Europe. First I stayed in Belgium for a few nights. I remember looking down on the bed I was laying on in Belgium. In a dream I'm looking down at a bed I'm laying on.
I thought, it's strange to be in Europe. This isn't England but it is Europe.
Then I went to France for awhile. I met this young man who was supposed to be really important. He was wearing a dark red weave knit sweater. He was talking about getting a visa for me to stay. Dream over.
That's all I could remember of the dream although at the time it was a long dream.
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Strange I had a dream of being in Europe. Am I ever going to Europe? I doubt it. I have an anxiety disorder which includes travel anxiety. How can anyone go to Europe with an anxiety disorder? And it costs way too much. And it's too difficult.
Any that's too difficult isn't worth doing at all including the living of life. That's my belief.
Why would I have such a dream?
My conclusion is my brain is crazy, bewitched, cursed and defective. And this is the brain that I have to work with for the rest of my life?! My life is a mess. I'm the wrong person. I never go out at night particularly on the weekends. I never go to clubs because too expensive, too much effort and kind of scary. I would just as soon that I go to sleep, have a heavenly dream or even a quasi heavenly dream and God takes my life.
Drop out of college? I want to drop out of life if I possibly could. Anything that's too difficult isn't worth doing. I'd rather live a very short successful life like Bruce Lee did than to love a long life that's unsuccessful. A short successful life is worth more to me than a long unsuccessful life.
Sunday, April 30, 2023
I was in an alley at night. My father's car wouldn't start. I helped him start the car.
I was applying for a credit card. I got the credit card but then lost it.
I applied for a second one.
There were credit card people there standing at a table to help me get a second one. I looked in the drawers. There were small plastic rectangular grey boxes. The front of these grey boxes were black. One of them would have had an imprint of the new credit card embossed. I didn't find it. It took me awhile to not find it. When I looked at the table, the credit card people were gone. I said to my parents, "I told you to look after my new credit card. Now it's gone."
Then I walked down the street at night saying, "I want to just give up on life. I'm better off dead!" Then I was at the end of a very small pond. The edge of the pond was near a wall where there were tiny spiders on a fine mesh web on a wall that was beige colored and made of horizontal wooden planks. There were large bats had also large moths that were flying towards the wall and eating the spiders with their outstretched mouths. I said softly, "I'm better off dead." Then one of the bats flew towards me and I fell backwards into the small pond. The bat was swimming with me trying to bite me. I wrapped one arm around it's back and I used my other arm to punch the Bat on the top of its head several times. That worked.
Then I was walking. I heard two girls say, "The same sex sports competitions are better." I sensed that they were not referring to gay but saying that non coed athletic sports competitions with only men are more appealing to them to watch.
Then I saw two Chinese guys University aged. They were wearing hats with a wide brim of fur with the pattern of a striped leopard and they were standing in front of a building with a fur tapestry of a striped leopard design. I started drawing a picture of them, sketching with little strokes of the pen caoting the leopard fur texture. Right then, I found my second credit card. It was a shiny plastic green credit card with a picture of a Christmas present wrapped with ribbon and a bow and it had the words Hudson Bay on it.
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Strange dream. In quite a few dreams I have said that I'm better off dead, I give up on life etc.
I'd rather have a short successful life than to live a long and unsuccessful life. And on the day I would have died in my short successful life, I'd be thinking, "At least I didn't live a long and unsuccessful life. At least I didn't grow old. Getting old is losing your teeth and your looks and your physical strength. You have wisdom, sure, that's if you don't develop dementia or senility or Alzheimers."
Old age is the leftovers of the meal of life. Every cat had a head end and a tail end. Old age is the tail end of life to the head end of life that is youth. In youth you have your looks and your strength. But that's good only if you're successful. I personally would rather not live at all than to live a youth where I hardly ever get laid perhaps because I'm in the wrong town or even the wrong country and that there is a better town or better country for me to live in yet for some damned reason I am not there. Life is only worth so much. The value of life is finite as the nature of life is finite. Life owes me nothing and I owe life nothing. If my life hasn't been good to me, why should I be good to my life? Life is as useless to me as I am to life.
I wouldn't advise anyone to commit suicide but I would respect and perhaps envy them once they got it over with if it was years ago and I didn't know about it because I would have advised them against it. They were in the cultural vanguard. They sussed what's what and was cool and sophisticated enough to act on it. They sussed that their life was a no win situation and a non starter. Their life is their business. It is not mine to judge.
Now if someone was rich and successful and they killed themselves, that would be bizarre. If they were born with a silver spoon in their mouths and life was a crooked table slanted in their favor, it would be bizarre for them to kill them self.
But if your life is lousy, who could blame you? I myself very often wish that I died years ago. That I had gotten it over with. A life of poverty and being unsuccessful with women isn't worth living and if I'm still alive, I'm not sure that it's by choice. God wants me to be alive still. He has a plan, a schedule.
I'm not sure if I believe that. I think it's just random forces.
As William Blake said, "Some are born to sweet delight while others are born to endless night." Basically some people's life is a rock show while other people's life is a crap show.
Sunday, April 30, 2023
I went to the Presbyterian Church this morning. During prayer time it was announced that one of the former parishioners died 1 day short of her 100th birthday. Her birthday would have been Thursday and she died on Wednesday. There was an audible gasp all throughout the Church. Her name was Betty. Which reminds me that Betty White died on her 99th birthday. Had she lived a year longer, she would have been over 100.
Another person brought up that he knows a friend who is 103 years old who is a veteran of World War 2 and the Korean War as well. What a life. Surviving not one but two wars. A lot of people don't survive even one war.
I told a couple of friends at Church that I want to skip old age. One friend told me about a book called The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. After being seriously injured a man was so paralyzed that he could only move his left eye to blink. With this blinking eye he took three months to have an 83 page book written about his life. An assistant had a board with a all of the letters of the alphabet. When the assistant passed over the letter he wanted written, he blinked.
Another friend said to me, "Old age is a lot of fun."
I ordered take out from a Chinese restaurant. I spent half the afternoon in mild anxiety until I drank the valerian root tea which wiped away my anxiety like a magic eraser. I think I'll be dependant on valerian root tea for life.
I saw the first 2 episodes of Fatal Attraction starring Joshua Jackson. The show brought up the German word konkopf which is the Mind imagining all the possibilities of something happening before it happens, a movie playing in the mind.
I do that all the time. Envision the future and scary envisionings too. Hence my anxiety.
The month is over. I didn't even attempt to try to go on the 10 kilometer run. I don't think that I can even run 1 kilometer. But there are a few people in their 70s and older who run that marathon.
There is one old man on YouTube who at the age of 56 started running in marathons and triathlons. He ran in over 100 of them and he's in his 80s now. Some old people have a lot of power. They have a lot of gravitas and they have a lot of chi. Meanwhile there's me. I'm very timid.
One person in my Church is planning a trip to Scotland this summer and she's in her 90s. That's better than me. Even the thought of traveling to Vancouver gives me travel anxiety and I know Vancouver well. I can't imagine traveling to a place that I don't know well.
I think it's all gone Pete Tong with me. My nervousness and anxiety. I think I'm doomed.
Listening to music and drinking valerian root tea helps me with my anxiety.
Listening to 70s music on Sundays I think of 70s Vancouver when there were a lot more of those turn of the century, 1899 to 1900 houses around. Most of those houses are torn down. A lot of those houses suffered from urban blight. Not everyone takes care of their houses well. In the movie The Outsiders, the poor boys, the Greasers lived in a house that would be worth over 1 million dollars today. Back then it was common and not difficult to own or rent a house. Today there is a housing crisis.
The housing crisis makes me think of just giving up on life. Living in a nice house is impossible for me these days. Maybe there's too many people on the planet and I should do my part and just lean in to the strike zone and take one for the team. If you're old and rich life can be pretty good. If you're old and poor, life sucks.
I wouldn't want to live to 103. Anyone who is 103 looks and probably feels like sh*t. Their sex drive is beyond completely gone as well.
