Wednesday, March 1, 2023
It was a dream, much of it forgotten although at the time it was vivid and seemed to go on.
There was something about a lady trying to learn poetry, going backwards in time and falling to outer space. Very vague.
Then daytime. I was on Main Street between Hastings and Cordova in Vancouver. There were 4 Buddhist Priests who were wearing black Buddhist robes and were of a Buddhist cult that I used to be a part of sitting in a row. Well 3 of them were Priests. The one at the very right hand side of the group was a young lady with curly blonde hair wearing a white t-shirt. They were seated near and to the left of the old Golden Harvest theatre right outside the Police station. It occurs to me now that this is also the location of the dream where I saw my first UFO in a dream. They were facing away from the theatre, facing East. I was looking at them and I was facing West.
I introduced myself to them and got their names. The third Buddhist Priest going from left to right was named Normana. The young girl wearing a white t-shirt was named Hermana. Hermana told me that the movie Stripes was playing at the theatre in 15 minutes. I wanted to get a ticket. Hermana then left to the ticket booth. I went to the ticket booth to get the ticket to go to the movie. Hermana then gave me some french fries right then and there. I walked away for a second and then went back to the ticket booth to thank Hermana. As I thanked her, I kissed her hand with my slightly greasy lips from eating the french fries. That is when she suddenly left the ticket booth and ran outside.
I chased her. I thought she ran into a black stagecoach that the Buddhist Priests were riding away in. The stagecoach headed South for half a block and then turned left going East along Hastings. I chased after the stagecoach. I looked in the stagecoach and I saw Normana. Normana had these eyes covered with thick grey cataracts. But Hermana was not in the stagecoach. She was walking next to me. I said to her that I am friendly that way and that I kissed the hands of a lot of ladies. She then said that she knew about me because she read reports about me that I will abandon ladies. I then said that reports were from many levels government, private, etc and that there are probably reports written about her as well. We sat behind a stall. And then she was lying down curled up next to me and crying. I comforted her saying, "You are going through growing pains. A spirit has to go through many lifetimes to be fully grown." I then held her as her back was towards me. I put my hands under her shirt and I felt her breasts. I was thinking that me and her had to go inside to continue this. I walked into a door at the left side of the theatre with her. I was thinking of the movie Stripes, the sexy parts of the movie. I was also thinking of telling her that these reports are objective reports or they could be subjective reports but I never got to tell her that. As soon as we entered the room, I was lying down on a bench on the floor. She sat on top of my crotch, straddling me and it was then that the dream ended.
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Life is scary. I wake up in fear all the time. I was thinking that he antivaxxers are controlled opposition. Divide and conquer. If there was no antivaxxers, the entire covid story would be more straightforward. The whole, if you do this you die, if you don't do this you die is there to make people afraid and to have anxiety in general and if it is done for a long enough period of time, a nervous breakdown can happen because people are not built to withstand such pressure for this long. It's the old story of a reporter who goes overseas and then hears on the News, "Those who don't wear a press card will be shot." and then reads from rebel posters pasted on telephone poles, "Those who wear a press card will be shot." People who have anxiety won't take risks and will be less inclined to do things like go to another country and not come back. Being an expat is otherwise very trendy. Going to a different country and deciding not to come back is like experiencing a different set of dimensional coordinates like in a dream. Since things are not equally distributed in the world, such as one country has about 75% of all ant species living in anthills there and one river stream in a certain country has about 50% of the freshwater species of fish. In some countries you can get laid more in one year than people in a lot of other countries can in a lifetime. So why come back? Coming back would be a regression to some former bullshit. So of course being an expat is very popular and the government doesn't like that because people or human resources are very valuable as this is the age of private people being creators of this kind or another on the internet. Those who exploit you will never tell you how much you are really worth.
Of course if you go to a different country, you are trading one set of advantages and disadvantages for another. Things about you that are such an issue here are irrelevant in another country. While other things that are such an issue about you in another country are irrelevant here. And then homesickness sets in. You listen to certain songs while looking on the internet at streets and scenes of the town you used to live in and you think that the old town is heaven. Homesickness is very powerful. You think that while you were in that town you were mostly depressed and took those streets for granted and how now you would give anything to walk down those streets again.
Sure you could get laid more in another country but the weather may be very different and not to your liking. They might speak a different language and with a different alphabet or writing system like a pictographic writing script. That country might have no social income assistance or government subsidized healthcare. Staying there long term might be dependent on going on a visa run every month or every 6 months. One set of advantages and disadvantages over another.
The movie Bodies Bodies Bodies shows that things can spiral out of control. There never was a murderer. They acted upon their suspicions and they mostly killed each other. Napoleon once said, "Never attribute to malice that which can be explained with incompetence." In other words, it's not a conspiracy, it's just incompetence. So there is no covid government controlled opposition on the part of the anti vaxxers. It's opposition but not government controlled. It's just more human incompetence on either side.
Getting laid or not getting laid is trading one set of worries for another. However long since I got laid, when I do it again, it's like I did it yesterday as it's the same old game. Here's the peg, there's the hole. Put the peg in the hole. And then major extreme hardwired worries about whether or not I got the lady pregnant and if I would be on the hook for child support in 9 months which would be the most unwanted thing.
Getting a lot of money for the things you do on the internet might not be a reward but a punishment. People who understand what it is to be wealthy including the pitfalls and indeed God himself often decides who gets paid and when. Lots of money makes people a target. Also the choices that money presents starts a chain of events. Lots of money, get a nice sportscar, then get into an accident where one or more people is killed. Lots of money, go travelling then something extremely wrong happens during the traveling trip. Better not to have the money in the first place. Too much money is overwhelming especially to someone with an anxiety disorder.
I don't want an inheritance from my parents. An inheritance is money from the dead and that's ghoulish. I wasn't around for my parents at all during their last years, heck during their last decades. I like to think that I already got my inheritance from my parents in the form of all the good memories I have of them. They weren't perfect but I'm not perfect to myself either. The guidance and influence I got from them, the good meals they prepared, the good outings and trips and vacations we went on is the inheritance that I got from my parents. I wish them well. When they pass on, may the wings of angels lift them to heaven like eagles wings.
Thursday, March 2, 2023
I stayed over at Heather's.
I had an extended dream about my mother that went on for quite awhile. My mother it seemed had a Spanish face and a different name, I don't quite remember but it seemed like it was Louisa Mary Hernandez. That isn't true. My mother is not Spanish and she had a different name. I went to visit a German friend in Dawson Creek bringing my mother's picture with me. The young German lady said that my mother may have been a famous German.
All of that is bizarre and none of it is true yet I had that dream.
Friday, March 3, 2023
Another Royal dream. There was a newspaper and on the newspaper were 3 questions about Queen Elizabeth. One was What is her full name? There was another question and the third question was, Draw a picture of her. I drew a picture of her facing left and wearing a round white felt hat with a slight brim and a white felt jacket.
Then I was on a ship. The ship was hollowed out. There were walkways and stairs. the center of the ship was the audience area. And the walkways and railing that were on the perimeter of the ship was the actors performance area. The show was STAR WARS. I sat through the start of two performances but did not stay to see the rest of the performance. On the third time I was there, I made an effort to stay through the whole thing. At one point I made a kick upwards and touched the ceiling with my right leg and foot but could not do it with my left leg and foot. There was a Chinese man with a daughter. He scolded me for doing that. I said that it was not right for him to scold me. He said that people get scolded in the military all the time.
The performance started. I saw that the performers looked very much like the original actors of STAR WARS. Then I was among a group of people standing at a white metal pillar on the ship. Then Princess Leia, or the actress portraying Princess Leia walked towards me. I told her, "Princess Leia! I once had a dream about you!" The dream seemed so real and I seemed so awake during the dream that I was referencing another dream as if I was awake. I then kissed the Princess Leia actress's hand.
I then was wondering if I would have enough money for food when I got back into town.
I wonder if I have enough strength to live through the future and through the rest of my life.
Saturday, March 4, 2023
There were pictures, hand drawn illustrations of me doing different things such as smoking pot hanging on the wall. I was also wearing a hoody over my head as I was smoking pot. My cousins Janet and Daryl were there. I got made at Daryl and wanted to throw him out. I was cutting a brown carpet with a large pair of scissors and a lady was there with me saying "Are you sure you want to do that? One bottle leads to another."
Then I was in Dawson Creek. I wanted to go to Vancouver. I really want to be in Vancouver. I tried to save money. I was on a bus. It approached a restaurant and then U-turned and drove back on the gravelly road at night.
There was a restaurant there. On the sign that was the menu advertising the special of the day, it read, Fettucine Alfredo $16.97. Pricey, I thought. I walked up some stairs to my room. I had a small white bucket full of coins. I was thinking that if I took these coins to the bank and had them converted into dollars, that would help me have enough money to move back to Vancouver.
I do want to move back to Vancouver. And I don't want to simultaneously. The downtown eastside is a maximum security prison to the minimum security prison of this town. The downtown eastside is a cruel and unusual punishment. I'd move back to Vancouver if I could live in a nice neighborhood. I'd be hoping for UBC or Kitsilano but Sapperton, New Westminster or Commercial Drive would be also nice. All this places are unaffordable. I so fear the future.
Never overestimate nor underestimate the future.
Afternoon nap.
Setting: night time. I was crossing Lions Gate Bridge in Vancouver going South to North. The bridge had 3 sections before even getting to the bridge. The first was a dirt walk way. The next section was paved and there were lots of kangaroos, most of the kangaroos were little and there were a couple of big kangaroos. Their fur reminded me of the fur of grey rats. One little kangaroo chased after me and reached into my back pocket and took out a yellow piece of paper wrapped and folded around something. I looked behind me and two agents took the paper from the little kangaroo and unfolded the paper and found some grass in that paper, actual blades of green grass, not grass as in cannabis. The agents were next to a standing rectangular mailbox painted dark green.
Then the third section was the actual bridge itself. There were quite a few people also crossing the bridge. One of them was a young Black lady. She took and held my hand as we crossed the bridge. At one point she kissed me. French kissed me. I felt her tongue in the dream. We went on crossing the bridge.
Dream over.
The Stanley Park children's zoo used to have kangaroos. I don't know about now. The last time I saw the kangaroos there was in the mid 90s.
Monday, March 6, 2023
I was going to apply for helicopter flying lesson. There were Native guys there who were already helicopter pilots wearing grey one piece helicopter pilot uniforms. They shaved a layer of skin off my face and neck and I looked younger. Then I flew on a helicopter. When the helicopter dipped down, I could see the ground below, when it dipped up, I saw the skies above. What is it with these dreams of helicopters being able to tilt and pivot lengthwise?
Then I went, or rather teleported the way that you can in dreams, into a room which was a Star Wars room. It was a rebels room but it was right next door to the Imperial room with Darth Vader etc. What an odd placement that the rooms are right next to each other. I somehow constructed and completed a Lego X-Wing fighter that was small but large enough for me to get in and it could actually fly. As I did this, a lady entered the room and she was working on her own Lego project.
Tuesday, March 7, 2023
I was in Dawson Creek. I painted the stars and buildings and that was part of the actual scenery of Dawson Creek at night.
I was working at a restaurant.
Then I saw my friend Anne who is a young lady with dark brown hair. She said of someone, "He is a bit crazy and compulsive but he is good stock." I repeated this to her later on. She didn't remember saying it.
I went to Vancouver and had some money for a burger, a drink and some fries. I put it in my knapsack. Then I teleported to Dawson Creek again. "Each time I entered the town is a different entrance and this is my 26th time there."I thought.
Then I saw these two ladies. They had blonde hair. One lady told me that her name is Catherine. I told her that I painted the stars and the buildings. She gave me a hug.
Then I saw this Chinese guy. He was a boss. I told him that, "I painted some paintings. My paintings are very valuable and their true value has been hidden from me. One of the paintings was 3 green snakes forming a circle but they appeared as one snake."
He then spoke some Mandarin to this other Chinese guy in the room. He then spoke some Cantonese and then this fast loud crazy Chinese dialect that I couldn't understand. I then spoke some Cantonese and a Chinese waitress walked right up and stood next to me. She was interested that I could speak that language, dialect, whatever.
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Douglas Bloch said that your attitude depends on what the thoughts of what
1. The World is....
2. People are....
3. I am......
My answer is for each, overwhelming and scary.
The Chinese language is a variable in the equation of the mess of life. An irreconcilable dilemma of life. I am supposedly Chinese but I secretly resent and despise that language. I speak English but I am not English.
Another irreconcilable dilemma is English is the language. Other languages are not widely spoken be it German or even an obscure language such as Welsh. But even in North America it's the North American accent because North America is not equal to the British. But in England, the North American accent is discouraged.
I always always feel fear and over think dwelling on the negative whenever I wake up.
All these places want to coopt you but not to make you a valued person but to put you on a designated place on their shelf like how a person will purchase a semi-expensive painting only to put it on the fridge or hang it in the bathroom.
All ethnicities have a gangster empire builder mentality and will try to coopt anyone into their weird crap.
All religions are cults composed of energy vampires and they will coopt anyone into their weird culty cult especially anyone that's real as they become fuel for these religious narcissists.
Countries want to coopt people and then put them on a shelf so to speak. The mainstream media of any country will talk a lot more about immigrants to that country than they will about emigrants of that country and the reasons why emigrants decided to leave and not come back.
Life is overwhelming and scary but so is death and to give up on life is even more so. Not knowing when one's life will end is overwhelming and scary. Some people know when their life will end if they are going to be euthanized.
My advice to spirits in heaven: Don't get born. Life is mostly boring, scary, depression and overwhelming. Being born is existentially counterproductive. Life is a waste of time. Life is a trap. There are too many bad structures on Earth such as religion and languages and cultures.
On Earth there should've been from the beginning, only one race, one language and one religion. That there are so many races and languages and religions is the bullshit aspect of life. If there was only one race, there wouldn't be racism.
The best thing that can happen for me is if I go to sleep, have a really nice dream and not wake up. Sometimes when you are awake, you want to go to sleep and when you are asleep and dreaming, you want to wake up because the dream is a scary trap. And other times when you are awake you want to stay awake and not go to sleep as dreams can be scary and when you are asleep and dreaming you want to stay dreaming and not wake up.
I don't know if there is actually a God or if it's just random forces. What if there is no heaven? The idea or concept of Heaven is like a Pavlov's dog. Jump through the hoop and get the treat when in reality the treat doesn't exist. You're just expected to jump through the hoop imagining that there is a reward.
I've seen so many people do good things for years and nothing really good happens to them. I've seen so many people do bad things fr years and nothing really bad happens to them.
Life is a disgusting trap. I will be happier when my life is over.
I don't know why I have dreams of Dawson Creek and Vancouver all the time. Well, it's because everyone dreams of places that are familiar to them as an individual, places that are as Stephen King said, in their "Heart's neighborhood."
Even though I bafflingly dream of Dawson Creek all the time, I wouldn't go back there. Dawson Creek is a backwater. Not worth the time to go.
I actually hate all towns including the one I live in. Just another sterilized Western shit hole. All towns are traps and full of delinquents, delinquent people and delinquent energy. Delinquents are undisciplined and are a lower class and lower quality of people in terms of their mettle. Because of all the delinquents in life it's worth it to me to think about just giving up on life even if I don't actually do it.
Walking down the street, coasting along normally then unpleasant surprise time and time again. Give out a certain energy only to get another and worse kind of energy in return. It's not always like that but it's like that a noticeable amount of the time.
In this town now, there is a tall guy with a red beard and red hair. He smells saturated with urine. He looks mentally deranged and is most definitely a delinquent. If he ever dies, the world will be better off without him. What a damned delinquent. The government should exterminate and euthanize all delinquents and people who are bonkers. People who are bonkers are people who are habitually loud. Quiet people are good. The meek shall inherit the earth.
The only good thing about delinquents is they they are obvious and overt with their delinquency. A lot of the time, middle class and upper class people are quiet and subtle but they are inconspicuous and covert and once you get to know them, they are just as bad or worse then the obvious delinquents. Gaslighting narcissists! I wouldn't be sorry to hear that they died as well and the world is better off without them. The human species is largely a defective and delinquent species. The human species is a virus, a disease and a cancer on the Earth. The Earth is better off without a lot of the humans who are alive today. Vancouver streets are full of whoop! delinquents who live in tents who can't afford the $2,000 a month rent to live in a nice apartment but somehow can afford to do $3,000 to $6,000 worth of drugs every month.
Vancouver delinquent - Vaninquent
Victoria delinquent - Victinquent
Nanaimo delinquent - Naninquent
Dawson Creek delinquent - Dawinquent
All delinquents should be lined up against a wall and shot. But even if I get lined up against a wall and shot, I'd be willing to lean into the strike zone and take one for the team. It would be a weird edgy day but it would soon enough be gotten over with. Then I'd be in the catbird's seat. I'd be in the afterlife which is like being in a dream that you didn't want to wake up from and I'd be there forever or else what would seem like forever. All of time in all its dynamics is an illusion. Linear time is an illusion, therefore time travel is an illusion and therefore eternity is an illusion.
Scientists say that the Earth is just barely habitable. I say that life is barely worth living. Life is a hassle and a lose-lose situation. Stay in a town is a losing situation. Travel is a hassle and also a losing situation. Being single is a losing situation. Marriage is an anachronism and is something else we cleave to from the bronze age including the Bible and is also a losing situation. Being an atheist is a losing situation but getting caught up in a culty cult control system religion which all religions are is also a losing situation.
My mother should have aborted me. It was a tragedy that she didn't abort me. She had a golden opportunity window of time to abort me and she missed it. My mother screwed up my life when she decided not to abort me. My mother didn't abort me and my life has never been the same ever since. She didn't abort me so now I might have to get myself euthanized and that's another type of abortion and 53 years later which is a long time to wait between abortions!
Would it be to say that my mother was expected to perform her own abortion even while in the maternity ward at the hospital? It would depend on what Province she was in and what type of medical coverage she had.
I respect my mother but I would respect her more if she aborted me.
Wednesday, March 8, 2023
Afternoon nap.
I visited a friend and then hid in a carpet rolled up lengthwise. The carpet had holes with string mesh. I saw out of the holes. My friend had 3 male visitors. One was holding a baby. Through the carpet I held the baby's left foot and kissed the bottom of the foot. The bottom of the foot had all these folds and wrinkles of baby fat.
Then I visited a sports bar. I had my legs straight up in the air and my feet touching the wall behind. The manager told me to put my feet down. My old friend from years ago, Jeremy's sister was there.
Thursday, March 9, 2023
I was in a taxi. Then some other passengers got in the taxi. That was when I found out that I owned that taxi.
I was at some place and me and a high school friend Umberto were smoking some weed. Afterwards I got a better strain. The next morning as I was looking for that strain of better weed in my backpack, I was telling Umberto about the better strain. He said he knew because he had smoked some of it. He stole it from my backpack when I was sleeping. "I had to move slowly to do it." he said.
Then I was at this bar. The bar converted into the rail lines of one of those rides at an amusement park like Jungle Safari. There is a miniature train going into a building full of dioramas that are behind glass. The miniature train enters via a set of swinging doors. I get in the train and go into the building. I say out loud, "I've been on the one in Vancouver and Vancouver is a big town and next level. Victoria is a smaller town, a backwater so it won't be as good as Vancouver." There is a middle aged lady with shoulder length light brown curly hair sitting behind me. She reaches her hand over and rubs my belly and chest which feels good.
End of dream that I can remember.
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The view count for the postings on this blog is usually 1. That's creepy. Either some hacker has frozen my view count as 1 which is criminal but not that surprising because the human species is a noticeably shift species or else some thief has stolen the blog entries and published them.
I used to write for some other publication. My writings were very popular but this publication never paid me. When I started writing for blogger, about a couple of months after, Google bought it out. A couple of months after I started looking at YouTube, Google bought that out too.
Google knows how valuable my writings are. As soon as I started writing for blogger and that Google knew of the popularity of my writings, they bought out blogger.
The publishing industry is full of thieves. The human species is largely an awful species. The rip off forces of life. The theieving broken platforms like Google with their search engine manipulation, suppression of view counts, they make money off a lot of people while paying them nothing. That's why a lot of people are smart enough not to start blogs or get involved with YouTube and this includes managers and owners of a lot of businesses including computer tech businesses. They know the rip off dynamics and perameters of getting involved in any Google venture. Some people do well with Google but a lot of people get ripped off. Myself included. That's why I wish my mother had aborted me. My life efforts were mostly a waste of time and energy and I wish I never bothered. My mother should have done me a favor and aborted me, in light of what was to come. Damn life and damn the pernicious defective forces of life, I always say.
Although, there are some humans who add to life and enhance life such as the talented musicians of the 60s, 70s and 80s. Music before 1960 and after 1990 is mainly shit. There is good music after 1990 but that's seldom.
While the are others, delinquents, who take away from life. These delinquents are panhandlers and drug addicts and junkies who are thieves. Or otherwise bonkers people. People who are into grafitti and basically vandals and hooligans. All of them delinquents who detract from the overall social fabric and quality of life.
One shouldn't judge delinquents. Often delinquency is just a stage or a phase in a person's life. Even people who are rich and successful had a time in their life that if someone saw it and extended it to forever, they would conclude that the person was a lifelong delinquent. Lots of people who are leaders at the Salvation Army were once homeless drug addicts. The News sometimes has stories about someone who was once a drug user and living on the streets and now they are successful in business. One example is a man who has a juice bar with some ingredients such as macadamia nuts that are shipped directly from Hawaii. This man used to be on drugs, living in the streets etc. Another man has a successful gourmet mushroom business and he sells his mushrooms to five star hotels that chefs use as ingredients. He too used to be a derelict and if you saw him then, you would have deemed him to be a delinquent.
On one hand I don't blame anyone who committed suicide. I would never feel angry at them or judge them because their life and what they chose to do with it is none of my business. It is easy for anyone to be a misanthrope. The human species is largely a garbage species. Life is usually for the most part boring and depressing and overwhelming and scary.
On the other hand, those who committed suicide would feel that their death was otherwise totally preventable and they wonder how life would have turned out had they lived. Life always has something new or someone new that you would like even in spite of yourself. A new technology, a new friend, new music that you never knew about before is what makes life worth living.
That's twice in one week now. I thought I lost a book called Emily Carr Heart of a Peacock. I looked everywhere. Sometimes looking at the same place at least twice which proves Einstein's words: Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. So I went to Russell books and sunk the price of $17 to get another copy. Turns out I hid the book in the knapsack that the mouse chewed. That's $17 down the drain as the bookstore has a no refund policy. There was a pretty older lady who works at Russell books stocking books. She is really cute and she smiled at me a few times which made me think that on some level she knew the entire story of what is going on. She is kind of hot actually. There are lots of hot older women in Victoria BC. Maybe my sex drive isn't gone after all.
Heart of a Peacock has a chapter titled Woo's Life which is the story of Emily Carr's monkey.
Friday, March 10, 2023
I was at UBC. I had some regular nunchuks and was swinging them around. I saw my old friend from years ago friend Eddie Chin. He looked young and I recognized him. Eddie is actually about my age and might not look as young. People who you know as old look a lot younger in dreams.
Eddie had a pair of modified nunchuks. I used them well and Eddie was amazed at my moves. I told Eddie that I always wanted to go to UBC but didn't have the grades.
Nunchuks come in a pair. On Eddie's modified nunchuks, there was a square board nailed to one of the two paired nunchuks.
Saturday, March 11, 2023
I was shopping and got a pack of pencil crayons, felts and ballpoint pens in a small transparent plastic pouch usually for felt pens.
I lost that and then went shopping for it again. I got a pouch but it had more pens than usual.
Then I met a Polish guy and I lent him a light blue pencil crayon. Then I ran into iJustine and was walking with her.
The Polish guy then revealed that he used the light blue pencil crayon a lot and broke it in half. I did really like that light blue pencil crayon. I was so angry. I said, "Give out a certain kind of energy and get another and worse kind of energy in return. Give out gold and get shit in return." I then tried using profanities in Polish yelling at the guy, "Furdzu Polak! Abastinedo Polki!" meaning "F'in Pollack! Bastard Pollack!"
Ijustine was with me and she said to me, "Calm down, chlopak." Chlopak means kid or boy in Polish.
Sunday, March 12, 2023
I was with Suzie in her car. It was night time with heavy snow. She drove me a few meters and then turned around driving her car through fallen trees. "You're a good driver, Suzie." I said.
Then after driving a short distance down the street, I got out of her car and said that I could walk home. We were in Vancouver and I was going to walk to my childhood home near Burnaby across the Street from the Sikh Temple. She drove away. I walked a short distance then walked back to her car but she had already driven away.
"I love you Suzie!" I yelled.
I walked down the street. Then after swinging down some tree branches that lined a cliff I reached the street where my childhood home was. Dream over.
Monday, March 13, 2023
Par of a longer dream now forgotten. Edgar Cayce used to hear part of a dream from people and he would be able to tell people the rest of the dream that they have forgotten.
I went to a Chinese restaurant. Three times I was sold 3 translucent white plastic bags that had food. Each time two of the plastic bags had ordinary foods like green onions and ground beef or ground pork but one of the bags each time had white herbs that were either white tiny cloves of garlic or sliced white deer antlers. I bought the three sets of white bags with each set I had to leave and then return to the restaurant to get another set of three white bags. I took them home to my parents each time. They said that they didn't need the white herbs and asked if I could afford it. I returned the third set of three bags to the restaurant saying that couldn't afford it. I could afford it but it would purchasing it leave very little money in my bank account. Dream over or else what I could remember of the dream.
Thursday, March 16, 2023
I visited a Chinese restaurant. The restaurant was serving stewed cabbage in some kind of sauce. The chef asked how I liked the food. I said it was really good, but in Cantonese. I said, "Fay seurng jee hoe sik." That's all I could remember. There was more to the dream. Now forgotten.
Friday, March 17, 2023
I was working at an industrial place. It was a job that paid better than the usual job. At this job, I saw a female coworker talking to her boyfriend. This wasn't anywhere that I wanted to be so I left the scene. This industrial job also required me to inspect an elevator.
Then I was pushing Heather in her wheelchair down a small and slight incline on the sidewalk. She fell forward. I knelt down to help her up. As I was doing this, a young lady who said that her name was Sharon came up to us and crouched down and she gave us some marijuana buds. These buds were white and ringed with purple.
I then went with Sharon and we were kissing. I followed Sharon into a room and laid down beside her. Her boyfriend was there but he gave me a wink with his left eye and then left the room. I was kissing Sharon some more and saw that her girlfriend was there. The two ladies showed me their breasts. I kissed the other lady. She had dark stubble mustache and small floppy breasts but I kissed her anyways. Weird weird dream.
Sunday, March 19, 2023
I was in a truck traveling to Dawson Creek but I was first going to travel to another small town and stay overnight there. I was in a large big rig truck, the cab of the truck of course. I was with a dark haired truck driver.
We went to a store and I got some herring. There were lots of large pieces of fileted herring so large it looked like pieces of fileted rockfish. I only wanted about $3.50 worth.
As we were driving, the truck driver left the passenger door wide open. I was standing on the road waiting for him. He drove in reverse which accentuated the door being open. He drove into a warehouse. Someone in the warehouse was about to close the door of the truck. Suddenly a Police Officer arrived. The Police Officer was wearing a light beige Police shirt and pants and a round white helmet. The Police Officer told the truck driver to give him his name. The truck drivers name was Zim Bom Zee which is a Chinese name. I didn't know that the truck driver was Chinese. He didn't look Chinese.
I was thinking it is crazy to go on so many trips to visit Dawson Creek so many times.
Then we went into another store. I wanted to get butter for the herring. At the store I thought about how nice it would be to get into the bath of the hotel. In the store, the store owner brought out a box with butter in plastic packs that had the size and shape of potato chip bags with a Ziploc opening at the top. There were three flavours of butter. There was butter with a spice called Thurargo. The butter looked spectral and like string cheese with large specks of green spice clinging to it. The manager said this butter costs $23. Then there was butter with cilantro leaves which cost $16. I was thinking this would go best with the herring. Then there was the regular butter which was butter with large grains of salt and this cost $3.99. I decided to go with this butter because of my budget and also before when I was thinking of getting butter, I wasn't thinking of butter with cilantro.
The butter was a yellow color which looked angelic but also in a spectral shape that looked like stringed cheese all pulled apart which looked hellish. Life on Earth is a mixture of heaven and hell. No wonder I get scared all the time. So many things in life are scary.
Monday, March 20, 2023
Strange.
I was talking to a Jewish rabbi. Then I flew over a Jewish funeral on the street at night on a stone landing on top of a small set of stairs. Most of the people at that funeral were little children. On the steps were people making a hand gesture of two slightly cupped hands, one on top of another slightly overlapping and held up with arms outstretched in front. I did that gesture too but made sure to raise my cupped hands upwards.
Then I flew down the street like Superman, one arm outstretched straight above my head and making a fist. The other arm bent, hanging down and with a fist at the side of my waist. I alternated arms doing this, first one arm outstretched above and the other arm making a fist at te side of my face and then the other.
I went to visit my cousin Tom. We looked and felt young in the dream. My cousin Tom appeared having all black hair where in life his hair is grey now. I told my cousin Tom that I was good at flying but couldn't teleport through walls although I was doing it. Teleporting in dreams is something you can do but don't quite realize that you're doing it because it is so subtle.
My cousin Tom made a slightly grimacing facial expression. He said, "That facial expression don't mean anything to someone under 30."
I realized that I'm almost 53 and I said, "I'm almost 53. I'm so old now." and then I started weeping tears of intense sadness that I'm so old. Although in the dream I forgot about that for awhile and I thought and felt like I was still in my 20s. In the dream world and in the afterlife, you're young again.
I woke up in fear. I want to quit life and go forever into that dream world where I'm always young and can fly.
The funeral scene might have something to do with that yesterday, I found out that singer Bobby Caldwell died on March 14, 2023. He sang the song, "What You Won't Do For Love" released in 1978. I don't know if Bobby Caldwell was Jewish or not. Neither answer would surprise me.
In the YouTube video:
"I Better Not See This On YouTube" from uploader Amagansett Press, the uploaded told an 85 year old man in the downstairs part of the library that he was 50 years old and the 85 year old man said, "You're just a teenager."
The video is about an angry librarian.
This shows that for some people, 50 isn't that old. Ask a person in their 90s if 50 is that old. But I don't know if I'll make it to 90.
Same thing as a person in their 30s isn't that old to someone who is in their 50s even if that person in their 30s doesn't know if they'll make it to 50.
This video also brought up a couple of other points.
If a person approaches you, seeing that you have a camera going, that means they have already given you non verbal consent to film them. It's called First Person Consent and that's law in the United States. I Don know about Canada.
The uploader behind Amagansett Free Press said in this video, "My dentist has a sign on a wall in his office that reads, 'If you ignore your teeth, they're going to go away'. Well if you ignore your human rights, they're going to go away as well."
After the censure letter I got from the library I searched the internet for examples of issues that other people have had at libraries. One story goes like this.
A person walked up a librarian at a desk and asked if there were any jobs at the library that were available. The librarian said that there weren't any jobs available. The person then said, "Wrong answer, m-f'er!" and then proceeded to throw chairs around. Security was called and that person was escorted off the library.
Afternoon nap. 4 to 6 pm.
I was sleeping at a movie theater. As one enters the movie theater I was at the right hand side aisle and about 4th row away from the screen.
I had all my things there. In the row in front of me a young lady was sleeping. I went to her and she was wearing only green colored underwear. I reached under that and petted her fur to wake her up.
Then I was told that I had to leave because the theater was being used for a parent teacher conference. I went to gather my things.
I went to a community center that was close to the theater. There were a few ladies present at the community center about 30 years old who worked at the community center. I was looking for Suzie there. I was told she wasn't there but was going to the parent teacher conference. I told them what my dream or ideal day with Suzie would be. "It would be going to a park with Suzie in the morning, then going to lunch and then seeing a movie and then doing some shopping at a mall in the afternoon, all with Suzie.,"
I thought of saying, "I'd tell you what I want to do in the evening with Suzie but decorum doesn't allow it." But then Suzie showed up! She was wearing a green colored shirt. She appeared for a while. We quickly hugged and then she went away again. The few other ladies were still there.
I thought of looking to see Suzie again at where she works. I haven't seen her since early October but that time in early October I saw her on the street and not at where she works. I don't know if I should, remembering what Gurdjieff said, "When you decide that something is a sin and you do it, you commit an error difficult to redress."
Tuesday, March 21, 2023
I was in Dawson Creek again. I went to an old house on the prairie that my friend Charles owns. There were a pile of clothes there and I saw some old clothes that I had forgotten. One of the clothes was a tan corduroy blazer.
Then I reflected that snorting cocaine is one thing but shooting it is better.
Then I was reading a book about Sherlock Holmes and then Miami Vice. The book has the story about a cop.
Then I saw the last episode of Miami Vice. Don Johnson was on a small motorized rowboat during the day. I thought, "He sure aged since the first episode."
Then in South America. A young American tourist kid was going to go with two locals in the neighborhood who were his newfound friends but then another local, the bully scared the American kid away from going with them. This bully was actually a protector. The two local kids were involved with cocaine and the bully was doing that to protect the American kid.
I thought, "I don't have to worry because I'm not that famous. 96% of the mafias don't know me."
Then it was Bob Geldof. He was in an episode of Miami Vice. I took a closer look. Those lips. It was Bob Geldof. A young Bob Geldof. He was portraying a villain in the show. A local boss questioned him. "You failed your mission. You were supposed to get information from the Police, the Library but you spent all your time doing cocaine." Bob Geldof was smoking a marijuana cigarette to the nub. I was smoking a tobacco cigarette.
Then I looked at the digital clock. It was nearly 1 pm in the afternoon which was when the Miami Vice show would be over. I had to go into town and do some errands.
---------------------------------
The dream seemed so real and restful. I woke up with a burst of fear. I have to face this repetitive merry go round again.
So many little details in my life. Overwhelming and scary.
I often think that I want to quit life and then go into that dream world forever but the dream world is a bit scary. It has a lot of spectral elements.
Afraid to live, afraid to die. I'm just a doomed spirit.
When I finally die, I'll probably want to live again to have one more chance so I could do it better but then it will be too late.
I'm not very successful with women. I would have rather not lived at all than to live and be not successful with women. I wish I had died along with my mother. We'd be a matched set because as it happens my mother died when I was an infant. I look at myself and see myself as not successful at all. To be successful is to live in a nice house in a nice neighborhood, be successful with lots of women and or get married to a really beautiful wife but not have any children because that could potentially be a disaster and chances are strong with that. The most important thing is success with a lot of women.
To live is scary. To know that one day I'll die is also scary.
I'll never be happy again. I'll always be depressed and scared if not have anxiety. The best thing that could happen to me is that I can die peacefully and go to a place free of fear and to a lace where I can be truly happy in spite of myself.
I hope that there is a God otherwise I'm doomed. I hope that God isn't a fairy story meant to make money for a certain few namely the priest class.
I am a middle aged adult fearing old age. This fear is similar to someone who is 18 years old fearing what life over 20 as an adult would bring. In my case my fears were justified. Always on welfare and living in rooming houses, rarely having any success with women. Why did I even bother living? I wish my mother had aborted me. But if she had, I would have had the foolish notion of, "Why did she abort me? My life had so much promise and potential." Would those notions ever have been foolish. Life kind of turned out shit for me.
I can't and won't commit suicide. A person who commits suicide is technically a murderer even if it's murder of the self. I must go on living and to accept and endure whatever hardship and lack of success and boring and repetitive and depressing and scary life I have.
Wednesday, March 22, 2023
I was in a Harry Potter world. There were the multiple swords of Harry Potter and me and a group of people each got to choose one.
Then I was with some middle eastern people. Then I did push-ups. I thought I'd only be able to do 20 but I wound up doing 50. I felt muscular.
Then there was a muscular guy who walked through a school. The combined buildings of the school with hallways to be walked through all joined together formed a circle. The first time he went through normal. Then the second time he went through muscular. Then the third time he went through as a republican.
Thursday, March 23, 2022
I was in Vancouver.
Then I visited my friend who is Chinese. He is quite successful now. He is a millionaire who takes care of young people letting them stay in his house. I wanted to stay there too.
I am in Vancouver again, I thought. I'd like to stay here.
Friday, March 24, 2023
I was helping to take care of a man with red hair who had lost his ability to speak.
Then I went to Japan to learn Zen Buddhism. I said to the Japanese host that there were two schools of Zen Buddhism.
I was then at an airport. I was supposed to meet my brother. I finally saw my brother. He was sitting at the seat at a bar. His face was tanned, he was wearing a dark blue suit and had a sunken look. He looked very drunk. A hostess at the airport sat with us while I spoke to my brother again.
Afternoon nap. 4pm to 5 pm.
I was in Vancouver near Chinatown and going to Chinatown. It was night time. I was headed North on Jackson Ave at Pender. I saw the old yellow Church that was there before it got torn down. I was thinking of getting some tomato and beef fried rice at a very good restaurant that I have dreamed about before. The restaurant with red beef in metal pans.
Then I approached a playground going East on Keefer and Dunlevy. There was a wall. I leaped off the wall and did some side ways rolls in mod air. A girl saw me doing this and smiled. At Keefer and Jackson, I saw a tire swing that had been converted into two gymnastics rings. There was a small basket. I teleported there looked in it. There were PSP games and a new plastic PSP. There were two small Chinese boys about 10 years old sitting in a tree that was close to where I was. I asked them if the PSP and the basket was theirs. They said it was. I told them that I would never take it since I knew that it belonged to them.
I pressed my hands together and bowed to them as I walked away.
Walking further East I reached Keefer and Princess Street. On the North side of the street was a recess in front of the brick wall in front of Strathcona school. In that recess was some PSP games and a PSP that I knew belonged to me. How wonderful that it is still here years later and that no one took it, I thought. I reflected on a PSP game about night time and 1800s London. End of dream.
The thing is, what was seen in the dream as an empty lot with a playground on it is now fully occupied. It is now a townhouse housing complex called Mau Dan Gardens.
—--------—-----------
I woke up thinking I should get a PSP 3000 again.
But those PSPs are about $300 each and have a very small screen. A memory card is about $50 and games are about $20 each.
I already have a Sony ipod with 8Gb of memory.
I already have tablets with much larger screens and newer games I can download for free to choose from but would opt for a PSP? Bizarre.
I got that phrase from the internet. "He has the beaches of Pattaya to choose from but would opt for Sydney Australia? Bizarre."
Well, in Thailand it is very easy to get laid. You can get laid more in one year in Thailand than you can in ten years in the West. Of course you are trading one set of advantages and disadvantages wth another. Most ladies in Thailand don't speak English that well and if you don't speak their language, you'd have to use hand gestures to communicate. Of course I learned Thai for 3 months before I went there using Berlitz cassette tapes from the library.
There are AI image generators that might be able to generate images of the dreams I typed in this blog. Of course I get no money for this.
I very profoundly frequently often think of just giving up on life. Life just gets worse. More delinquents in the street. Every town I've ever lived in, I've always met the wrong friends. This time I have a friend that I'm chained to through caregiver guilt. If I don't visit her every few days and work for her to take care of her, her health and cleanliness will get worse. My life is bullshit. The best thing that can happen to me is I go to sleep, have a nice dream and don't wake up ever again. I am disappointed every time I wake up. I wish my mother had aborted me. Damn my wretched life.
So many people died young but not me. I was cheated out of an early death.
Saturday, March 25, 2023
https://ms7362529.blogspot.com/2023/03/march-2023-dreams.html
A dream that I didn't want to wake up from.
I was in Vancouver for a few days. I was staying over with a bunch of people in a room. On the last day that I was about to leave, I gathered all my clothes into a bag. I had a tank top that had since shrunk. I was sitting up on the bed I was sleeping on. Then a large ma wearing blue shorts sat in front of me, his back towards me. I didn't like that. I got up off of the bed.
I left the room. I noticed I had a very realistic looking fake handgun. It looked like a 38 revolver. I put it in my left hand inner breast pocket of the brown blazer I was wearing. I was also wearing a light blue sweater. I also notice that I had long shoulder length curly hair.
I headed to a restaurant, the Old Spaghetti factory because I wanted to get a take out full meal in a brown paper bag, the meal being lasagna with me on the trip back on BC Ferries. I sat in the upper far left side of the restaurant dining room. It was well lit. The walls and ceilings were made of wood and painted slight blue. The ceiling had sections that were triangular beams and there was a glassed in skylight. There were a few other people sitting with me at that table. I tok off my jacket with the fake gun hidden inside and put it behind me where I was sitting, which was a padded bench seat.
I asked for and was handed the menu. As I looked at it, another man grabbed the menu and was looking at it. I thought he would look at it for a long time so I said, "The forces of life had to bring something like that. It just HAD TO!" I said. A female chef with blonde hair and red lipstick came and patted me on the left shoulder. "Chill out." she said. I got up from the seat I was sitting in to try to talk to her some more to explain why I said that. The man didn't look at the menu for long and I was getting a chance to look at it.
Then another man came to the table and tried to sit in the seat I was sitting in. He was Chinese and was wearing a brown suit. I said it again, "The forces of life had to bring something like that. It just HAD TO!" I didn't know I was dreaming. I thought I was awake otherwise I wouldn't have said the phrase with the words 'the forces of life'.
Then I noticed that everyone had gone. I teleported to another area. An open area outdoor with seating being white pieces of cloth on the ground. I noticed people were carrying small steaks of tenderized meat. I went up a small hill and into a small rectangular shack to the far left of the area. I went into the open shack, turned left and went out of the shack and sat just outside the shack. I entered the wide open area of the shack which resembled a barn and had no door on the East side as it were and left on the only other opening at the other end and at the North side as it were of the shack.
I noticed a steak on a small ledge on the wall in front of me. I was sitting outside of the shack. There were other people there at this time. I told them that I wanted a lasagna meal for my trip back to Victoria on BC Ferries. I was then handed a sandwich with egg. The person next to me and sitting to my right was David Choe who I recognized. He was sitting on the side of the wall that was inside the shack. He poured some fresh soapy water on my bare feet from a wooden bowl he was holding. The wide shallow wooden bowl of water he was holding had some stones on te bottom of the bowl with pink orchid flower petals floating in it.
Suddenly I recognized that I was a spectator in a Christmas time Nativity diorama that was set at the time Jesus was born. I started crying intensely but it was a happy crying, not sad crying. I said to the others, "Do you realize how beautiful this is?" There was a group of college aged men and women sitting around me. I sensed that someone in the outside area that I first came to when I entered this theme park was going to play a flute and we were all about to sing a lovely Christmas song. As I was getting ready to sing, the dream was over and I woke up.
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I sure didn't want to wake up from that dream! Christmas Nativity. That means Jesus. Jesus is real. Any dream that has anything to do with Jesus is very good. It's a good sign.
I didn't know I was dreaming. I thought I was awake otherwise I wouldn't have said the phrase that included the words 'the forces of life'.
I've read in places here and there that some people after they die and don't know that they're dead. They have to be told. That's how realistic and lifike the afterlife is. The dreamworld is like that. The short young female chef wearing all white and wearing red lipstick was trying to tell me that in so many words when she said, "Chill out" to me.
The words were ambiguous as if to say that, "You're awake but also not awake."
This happens with spirits in dreams. The ambiguity. In one dream years ago, I dreamed was working at McDonald's. I said to the other employees wearing 80s style blue uniforms with white stripes on their sleeves, I'm here! I'm actually here working at McDonald's! " I was in the kitchen area next to the filet o fish fryer near the back of the restaurant. The other employees looked at me and smiled hesitantly, neither agreeing or disagreeing with me.
Another time I saw my friend Terry Edwards in a dream. He was on the block just East of the old White Spot on Georgia Street near Stanley Park. That White Spot restaurant has since been torn down. I said to him, "I'm in Vancouver again!" He merely shrugged and said, "So you're in Vancouver." Again, ambiguously, and the curious phrasing, as if neither agreeing nor disagreeing with me as if to say, "You're in Vancouver but not in the way that you think. You're in the astral version of Vancouver. You're dreaming and your spirit is out of your body now!" People in dreams wouldn't say that directly as they don't want to alarm us. And also to prevent the notion,"I'm dreaming. It feels so nice here. I don't want to go back." In a few dreams I have said that I had given up on life.
To have a dream that has anything to do with Jesus is reassuring. The dream did have a heavenly feel.
Those times that Jesus lived were heavenly when you were young and not in any pain or have any health problems. That was a narrow window of time. Eventually dental problems set in and the dentistry technology they had back then was worse than no dental technology at all. Those times had battles and military conscription was compulsory. Back then with no antibiotocs or astringents or disinfectants to sanitize wounds, just about every injury even those considered minor injuries today would be deadly.
To be young back then when the air was cleaner and less polluted and there was a much slower pace of life was heavenly. But the music back then wasn't as good as the music of the 60s 70s and 80s. Most music before the 60s and after the 80s were and are kind of awful. The 60s to the 80s was the eternal golden age in history of music.
Afternoon nap. 6pm to 8 pm
I was in Vancouver again and it was heaven. I was at the Vancouver Museum. There was a dinosaur exhibit and a Native exhibit and a space exhibit. The walls and the overall color of the place was brown but it felt really nostalgic and fun. I went up on the overhead tether rope swing that spanned across a few rooms. I noticed my black leather computer bag hanging up near the start of the overhead tether rope line.
I was leaving the museum. There were three elegantly dressed old ladies near the entrance. I said, "Ladies." to them as I was leaving.
I went back into the museum to try to get my computer bag. I passed the dinosaur exhibits hall and the Native exhibits hall. I walked past a short Oriental female security guard. I had an intrusive thought, "Flywater." Then I was thinking, "She's probably really smart. She's one of God's creatures." I was in Vancouver again, I thought. I then yelled, "I love Vancouver!" three times. I tried looking for my computer bag not caring if I would find it. Dream over. Another heavenly dream. I've been getting a lot of heavenly dreams lately.
Thursday, March 30, 2023
I dreamed that I was visiting my father in Vancouver. On the way there, someone gave me two sugar cubes of Lsd. I swore to myself that I wouldn't take them but I took one. It melted in my mouth. Soon I looked up and saw the sky turn light purple with dark purple splotches like a purple tie dye T shirt.
"It's in the mail." I said.
As the drug was taking effect.
I then wondered whether or not I should do it again but remembered that one shouldn't do Lsd again the day after the last trip. It just won't work. One has to wait a minimum of two weeks unless the dosage is drastically increased.
Strange dream. I wouldn't do Lsd. I have a slight anxiety disorder and the smallest things give me anxiety. Even the thought of having a million dollars would give me anxiety although I was fine with that idea a few years ago.
Friday, March 31, 2023
I saw three or 4 ladies dressed in 1920s flapper clothing. Headband, feathers, long single piece dresses. I knew them as ladies I knew in this era. They went into an elevator going up. I went with them. When we were all at the floor above, I told them that I had excellent memories of my dreams. Here comes a weird part: I also told them that, "I'm 100% not gay, but I have had a few gay dreams and that when I was younger, I had a couple of gay experiences."
The ladies were seated on a bed side by side in a line. To the right of the ladies and a few feet away from the foot of the bed, there was a large fancy window which showed that it was night time. I sat to the left of a blonde lady with long hair. Seated in front of her was an Chinese guy who was her boyfriend. In a second I thought my usual thoughts, 'A little jealous but then I'm old now and my sex drive isn't what it used to be. I think my sex drive is gone out the window so could I really be jealous?"
Then I sat right next to the window looking out onto a lighted city under a dark night sky. Somehow the bed was right next to the window now. In dreams furniture can teleport too, I guess. The window was to the right of me and seated right behind me was a Chinese guy wearing a black felt jacket. The two of us were seated back to back. I complained and asked somewhat angrily, what are you doing sitting behind me? He told me to stop complaining. I thought right then that maybe he was a protector.
Then out into the night. Me and the Chinese guy ride an electric sled through a street where everything else on the road is a car. I thought of the times I rode my kick scooter quickly. I was the passenger in the back. The Chinese guy was the driver.
We were head South on Main Street in Vancouver, South of 4th avenue going up a hill that lead to Broadway and Kingsway.
I sensed I was on my way to visit my family and that my stepmother wasn't angry and was friendly now. I also thought of something funny.
There was a porn ad which read, 'Your stepmother will make you beg for it'.
What if she was dead? Then the reply to that would be, 'What. From the grave?'
Riding on in Vancouver I knew that I'd return to the hotel where the young flapper ladies were. I just had to make a quick trip to visit my family.
On the way, I saw a few Nintendo DS cartridges of 80s Rock Party Volume 1, 2, and 3. Then a couple of CDs that were 80s Rock Party Volume 1, 2, and 3.
I scooped them up.
The going further along, going East on Broadway, I dropped some CDs and also some jellybeans and ju jubes. I scooped it up again and the young Chinese guy who was the driver helped me scoop up the things to which I said to him, "Thank you, Sir." The road was kind of wet and there were a few jelly beans and ju jubes left on the wet road which I didn't pick up.
I was looking forward to seeing my family and going home again. There was still a long way to go. Then the dream was over.
--------------------------
I wonder if the last part of the dream is a metaphor that I have a long way to go or quite a few years to go before I go home or else die.
The gay experiences that I had tainted my life. It ruined my reputation and I never got married. Or was it being on welfare all those years and not getting a good job and also fear of commitment and not ever wanting to be on the hook for child support or being a parent that did it?
If my reputation was going to be tainted from then on afterward, why did I even bother living because something like that is only relevant because I'm alive. If I was dead then it wouldn't be relevant. I should have ended my own life with a heroin overdose.
Living life with a tainted reputation is a waste of time, it's a non starter. I'd prefer to not do it at all. That how I think for myself. You might think differently.
I'm baffled that I made it to this age. But my luck with women is so awful that I would just as soon be dead. It's not as if I'm begging for my life at every turn. I give up on life. I often think that. But it's only God who will decide and not me when my life ends. I just have to make the best of an insufferable situation.
I told a few people in my dreams that I want to give up on life. They all said nothing or else to chill out. My father once said to me in a dream, "Take it easy, dude."
They said nothing when I said that I want to give up on life because often ghosts or spirits in dreams often neither agree nor disagree. It's as if at that point, they were saying with their silence, "That's not a good idea. We couldn't possibly agree with that. But at this moment with the dynamics of this very moment, you are not awake to life, but you're not dead either. You're in a dream state. Saying something like that now is redundant and a moot point."
So my reputation is tainted. Yeah, me and millions of others. There are a few people in this town who dress in a way that leaves no doubt as to their sexuality. Gay.
I'm a supporter of gay people. If someone was gay and told me thay thought of suicide, I would definitely talk them against it. Just because a person is gay especially if they're a valued member of the community with a skill set, they should not kill themself at all.
There's a restaurant in this town called Friends of Dorothy. Dorothy, Wizard of Oz, Judy Garland, she's an icon in the cross dressing community. I thought of going to that restaurant because it has good food served with a really nice presentation. But the minute I step in there especially alone, then people might think I'm gay. Or they wouldn't or wouldn't care.
Even if I walk in there with a lady, some people are so twisted or else have such an imagination that they would think the lady was my 'beard' or a lady that a gay person has with him so that people don't think or know that he's queer. Well, don't ever lose that imagination. I generally don't think people are queer unless they're really obvious abut it. I give people the benefit of the doubt. Live and let live.
There's nothing wrong with gay people. A gay person who is considerate and respectful is better than a heterosexual who beats his wife and abuses his children.
