Monday, October 4
Part of a much much longer dream at the time vivid now vaguely remembered. Outstanding features.
I ran with some oriental people through a large empty department store. For some reason, at one point I was speaking Khmer, the Cambodian language with them. What little I know of the language. Odd dream. Really really weird. Typical of the weird almost scary dreams that bother me every night.
I dread night time again and again every night.
I get the weirdest dreams and wake up somewhat scared. I am getting used to it. Same shit different day. Wake up, had a typically weird dream, forget about it, go on with the day.
After every dream which seems weird and scary to me, I wake up wondering if I should commit suicide. That's the only way to rid myself of this dimensional/interdimensional grid or field in which I am having these dreams which are always unfailingly scary to me. The dreams scare me. They are so constant in their weird scary nature that I think that when I die, I won't go to heaven at all, only this weird hellish purgatory of weird scary dreams perpetually and forever.
So are the religions bullshitting us just to get people to join them and to solicit donations when religions talk about people going to heaven when they die? No one goes to heaven! We all go to a place where the weird scary dreams continue of forever with no escape or respite that we would otherwise get when we wake up in this dimension.
What respite? This dimension is no more or less weird and scary than the dreamworld is. All of existence, waking or dream existence is fucked.
Shouldn't I just commit suicide? Why won't hospitals euthanize people on request? Explain to them that dreamworld or waking world is weird and really scary so why the juggling act? Why not just settle in the dreamworld forever without the hassle of waking up again and again to this dimension?
I hope that one day the waking world at least provides me with some insight and a solution to this. I already got some insight.
1. Everybody on the planet has weird crazy scary dreams.
2. Vivid weird scary dreams is a sign of good health and vigorous brain function.
3. Nightmares and disturbing dreams aren't the only kind of dreams. There are healing dreams. Often a healing dream can be mistaken for a nightmare if a person is fearful like yours truly is.
4. What Native Americans believe about dreams:
a) The Dreamworld is more real than this world. It's another dimension.
b) This waking world too is a dream.
c) The soul that lives in this world and the soul that lives in the dreamworld form two halves of the soul which are really in its innate nature really one soul although some people's two halves of the soul are more integrated into one than others. Acceptance. Accept the crazy nature of inevitably having dreams at night.
5. Dreams are the subconscious trying to make sense of the conscious world and often when one is awake, the conscious tries to make sense of the subconscious world as I do when I write my dream journal.
Then in another separate dream on the same night, I saw my stepmother in a hallway. I gave her a really affectionate hug verging on sexual. She said in Cantonese, "Yow moe gow chor*?" She was good natured and somewhat laughing when she said that. She wasn't angry at all.
*Translation: Aren't you doing something wrong?
Lost in translation. Idiomatic specifically to that language.
She wanted a magazine high on a shelf, 'The Evil Horse of Islam". Weird. She's not Islamic. At all.
Then outside there was a large tan Cadillac. There were a bunch of university students within including my brother her son. My stepmother was on the steps next to the car about to be let in. Seeing that my brother was in a car and that they were in a hurry, I was not able to give her a second hug, for departure. To my surprise I was let into the car!
I hung out with the University students. At some place, an athletic training playground, I did a perfect backflip.
More hanging out with the University students. Then just before the dream ended, I did some dancing, Ray Parker Jr style, seeing I was at a University scene.
No drawings; too vague. Only story. The Yow moe gow chor part was striking. Although I somewhat know the language, I have never thought of this phrase for years if not decades.
Another day, another weird dream. What else is new?
Rating:
Entertaining: 5/10
Scary: 2/10
Heavenly: 3/10
No dream ever repeats itself. No replay. That's it, that one time, for life. No replay ever unlike with Blu rays and DVDs and YouTube videos where one can replay the video over and over again even years later. Not with dreams.
As shocking as the most recent dream is, always, years later it will be looked on as innocuous.
7 days a week I get the weird vivid dreams. I've read that smoking opium can take away dreams. Yeah, right like I'd be getting hooked on opium. Fuck that! And I think that smoking too much opium can be fatal.
Smoking pot cuts down on dreams too. But there's the through the roof paranoia to deal with when one smokes after not having smoked for a long time. And then when one develops a tolerance and addiction to it, there's the $200 a month habit. Either way you lose. I could smoke it occasionally though. I've often thought of getting back to smoking pot. Smoke it just before falling asleep and that should cut down on the vivid scary dreams.
I've always thought that Cambodia was a death omen. Today, the day after the dream where I spoke Khmer, I found out online that my aunt died in January 2021. She was a favorite influential aunt.
Tuesday, October 5, 2021
I smoked pot to suppress my dreams. It worked for the first dream. I only remember a bunch of worms wriggling out of a grated storm drain.
A few hours later the pot wore off. The second dream. I visited England! I was brought there. I was sitting around a round table in chairs. The man who brought me to England was there. I realize I forgot my electric toothbrushes. I told the man about this. "When can I go back?" I asked. He said, "Anytime."
I then looked in a garbage can. I look at garbage and obsess over at possibly useful pieces of garbage I see and can collect whenever I am having a crazy patch. Crazy patch, that term comes from the Jason Straitham movie called Redemption. Most days it's mostly a 24 hour a day crazy patch, night time dreams included. Anyways, in the garbage can, I see two white tablets made for children. White represents royalty. A subtle sign. I leave the white tablets in the garbage.
Then in an alleyway some punk rockers emerge from a red double decker bus. Some of the punk rockers immediately go back into the bus.
Teleport. I am in Vancouver on the bus heading West on Hastings and Raymur near the RayCam community center. I ring the bell I am near my stop! I need to go home here!
Strange, as I don't live in Vancouver.
Friday, October 8, 2021
I was working in a restaurant as a dishwasher. At one point I had to go downstairs. The basement area of the restaurant was dark and scary. Then I went up again to the dishwashing area.
After waking up, the next dream was all about Sherlock Holmes. With Robert Downey Jr as Sherlock Holmes. Dr Watson was there as well. I was following Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson. I even had an old silver Colt revolver handgun with bullets with a separate wooden bullet holder.
I was at a library with half circle booth seats. I tried to sit next to Sherlock Holmes but I saw that a beautiful young blonde lady was about to sit next to him so I sat at another seat instead.
Rating:
Entertaining: 7/10
Scary: 3/10
Heavenly: 4/10
A Sherlock Holmes dream is a Police themed dream. Sherlock Holmes was a detective and that means the Police.
Dreams aren't that scary anymore. In dreams one is always young with no bodily aches and pains. One can travel anywhere to vastly different realms and scenes.
Dreams. They usually don't kill me that is until they do, but if they do, I will be free from Earthly obligations and facing growing ever older.
There is one thing worse than growing old and that is dying young.
"Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep
If I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take."
The pandemic is just one of my worries. One day the pandemic will be over but the weird dreams at night will plague me for the rest of my life. Dreams are most friendly but often with a few brief scary and unsettling elements.
Saturday, October 9
Whopper of a nightmare.
I was at Pacific Centre Mall in Vancouver. People singing Christmas carols.
Then I went outside to Granville Street. Night time and some snow on the ground. I was then helping to push Santa's sleigh South down Granville Street. At the Granville Street bridge, the sleigh and reindeer separated. The reindeer continued South down the Granville Street bridge. The sleigh made a U-turn and went North up Granville Street. I was still pushing it. Outside of Pacific Centre on the West side of Granville, I mistakenly ran into the right side of a man with sandy blonde hair and an Elvis style haircut. His hair poked my left eye, that's how close I was. I quickly separated from him and crossed the Street to the East side of Granville Street on the corner of Granville and Georgia. I saw a lady with straight blonde shoulder length hair wearing glasses. I said hello to her for some reason. Then she said, "Someone's following you." It was the guy with sandy blonde hair!
He then pushed me down to the ground and dragged me along the ground North to where the SkyTrain entrance is at the Bay department store. He was then pissing on me while I was on the ground. Up and down starting army pants area then to my face. His urine went into my left eye and some into my mouth. It was relatively quick. When he finished, I said, "Is this how the Russians do it?" He laughed slightly.
Piss is often referred to as golden shower. Gold is an angelic color.
My apartment and home was at the SkyTrain entrance for some reason. I went through the door me up the stairs, teleporting like a ghost, passing through the door then I was upstairs at the lobby. As usual, I don't remember turning the door handle and pulling the door open. At the lobby a couple of guys were there, around 35 years old. There were two beds in the lobby. One of the guys had red hair and a red beard. He was wearing a dark grey shirt and a black baseball cap. He said, "Tell us the next time you see him. We'll protect you." In the first picture, the door with the doorknob was the the door that led upstairs to my room. The railing framed the stairs from the street leading up to this room.
I then went upstairs to my apartment and looked in the mirror. My left eye was shut from the urine. I thought, "I'm 51 years old." End of dream.
Rating:
Entertaining: 9/10
Scary: 6/10
Heavenly: 3/10
Dreams can get pretty bad. One has no choice but to exist. Asleep or awake or even if one decides to commit suicide, they will always encounter the bad and weird shit of life including the dreamworld. Suicide is not another option.
Isn't the proper saying Live Another Day? The James Bond movie title Die Another Day sounds like a perverse opposite of that. It means either one can die tomorrow if they choose to through suicide or else every day a part of someone dies or is dying.
Is there a dream Police? If so, then this is a report. I had other dreams this night but they are too nebulous to remember although at the time, something was going on.
It takes a really bad nightmare. Then all the other dreams don't seem so bad in comparison.
And my night time dreams too. Dealing with the weird crazy bullshit in this waking dimension and in the dream dimension too with all its scary details and scary microdetails is too much of a juggling act. I leave it in God's hands.
Advice:
I wouldn't worry. I probably won't die of Covid because I got the two vaccinations. Just be careful and be safe. Wear the mask.
Dreams are what they are. I've had dreams all my life and some of them have been whoppers of nightmares including dreams going back years about undergoing surgery. They are all survivable.
In real life, I would turn down all surgery. Even if it means death. Apparently just before he died, Einstein turned down heart surgery and died a short time later.
The week's go fast and there is at least a 25% chance the pandemic vaccine passports will be over on January 31. If not then another three or four month extension and that will go fast. After so many days, what's another day? And the days go fast. Before you know it, it will be two years later when the pandemic will be long since over. The years go fast.
The future is unlimited. I could find a girlfriend whom I really love. She would be 'the one' although I do love the lady I am with now a lot.
There's no guarantee that I could be famous and rich from my art but there's also no guarantee that I won't be. Nobody who is famous with the arts knew it beforehand.
I could travel to England one day.
If there is anything that Star Wars teaches it's that people who are older and even old can be Jedi Knights and heroes.
In two to three years, I am thinking that I would most likely move back to Vancouver. That city has lots to do and has good vibes. However I might decide to stay here. Either way I win.
Every day is really no better or worse than the last. A few edgy but survivable moments on most days. Sometimes I get a good surprise.
If any of you are going through stress due to the pandemic, one day you will get your sea legs when it comes to stress about the pandemic and you can handle it. You are not alone.
As for nightmares, I've read in YouTube comments about people who regularly get worse nightmares than the ones I've been having. Nightmares that include them seeing their parents killed. Or a nightmare about their father placed in a bathtub and torched. I never had dreams like that. Ever.
Again, no one is alone when it comes to nightmares. Other times, people pay money to see a horror movie or else go out of their way to borrow one at the library. A nightmare is seeing a horror movie for free.
At other instances, people pay to be scared. Paying to see horror movies or paying to ride on the roller coaster are examples. Fear often has a reverse psychology. If you want to be scared, you're often not scared. If you don't want to be scared then you are scared. Thoughts of fear are often not an accurate indicator of one's objective reality but they are a great indicator of one's subjective reality.
Nightmares can be healing dreams in disguise as they give you the fortitude and lessons to deal with traumas experienced in waking life. It's all good.
Don't be afraid. Don't love your life in fear. If you experience extreme paranoia in smoking pot, remember that it will wear off in a couple of hours at most. Paranoid thoughts are almost never a true reflection of reality.
Everyday is normal. Every day is happy, or else happy enough. Best wishes.
Sunday, October 10
Dream mostly of Natives and mostly forgotten.
I found a nice blue blanket with a floral design. Natives were around. When the dream was over, I was disappointed because I lost that blanket. I thought I had it. The dream seemed so real!
At one point I went into a hallway and a nasty looking Native man had spray painted the word LOVE vertically again and again all over the hallway walls.
At least it was the word love. It could be worse words.
The word LOVE was spray painted vertically like a totem pole. Also the word LOVE is a prison tattoo that is tattooed on the back of the four fingers of the hand.
I think at some point he wanted to fight. I said to him, "Your martial arts skills is probably better than mine." No fight happened.
I never presume that my fighting skills are better than another. Anyone, even the most incapable looking fighter can land a lucky strike resulting in a life changing injury. Never get into a fight if you can avoid it. In the movies, the hero fights a hundred people and emerges with very little to no injuries. In real life it's quite different. Very different.
In real life if someone fought a hundred people, that person would be killed!
The only people I know of who can fight anyone and win is professionally trained MMA fighters.
Rating:
Entertaining: 4/10
Scary: 3/10
Heavenly: 1/10
At this point, I am going to stop my dream diary. After awhile, every seem is basically the same dream over and over again. The elements are the same. A ghostly holographic dimension with a set of physics that includes teleportation and telepathy. In dreams, anyone who is or was known and old and sick appear young and healthy in dreams, for the most part. Always weird with some unsettling elements or moments. Dreams are silly. Dreams are personal. Not having the obligation of upholding a dream diary cuts down on the tendency to remember or else to want to remember the annoyingly strange dreams. Dreams are personal anyways.
The dream diary otherwise did nothing for me. I have dreamed of being a well paid published author. All this writing brought me no money and no fans that I know of. Sometimes I wonder if someone from the past whom I've met or else someone I never met said, "Imma gonna ruin this man's career." What's the point of working against something like that? Life would be simpler without an online presence.
After this cartoon I'm doing, a cartoon about Emily Carr's monkey, I'm quitting doing cartoons. It's a useless venture where I get no money from it. What's the use of having a talent if you can't or don't make money from it? Time to quit for a simpler life. It's a useless endeavour.
Monday, October 11,
Day time. I was at an indoor mall. I went up some stairs. At the top of the stairs we a landing with tables. I saw two full orders and not half orders of barbeques duck at a table to the left of me. I was going to grab one of the orders to eat but two Oriental ladies set there so I didn't. At another table I saw a bunch of Americans including a some famous Americans, President George W Bush and Donald Rumsfeld. It was fast, I wasn't sure but fairly sure. Dreams are extremely weird.
Night time. Then I teleported to a restaurant at the foot of Main Street near the Port side park bridge. Restaurant on the West side of the street. It was more a tea room than a restaurant. A long narrow tea room with red tile floor lighted with florescent lights on the ceiling. My cousin Tom was there too.
Tuesday, October 12, 2021
I used to visit a certain prostitute a few times when I was in Thailand. In a dream, I spent some time at her apartment.
After that, I went to the airport. Night time. The airport was a table in a market. Behind that table was a black metal fence that actually led to the airport. The female flight ticket agent said, the plane takes off in fifty minutes. I asked if I could go and eat some noodles first. She nodded. I went to a place that was near. A bunch of people were there including my friend Jaroon. He said he would prepare the noodles for me for 95 baht. Jaroon always was somewhat interested in money. Venal. I gave him 95 baht from the purple 500 baht note that I happened to have with me.
However, he took his time or perhaps it was that Jaroon always characteristically took his time when it came to doing things, refusing to rush. He brought the wok and some ingredients in it including some bits of scrambled egg. Just then the female ticket agent entered the room and said it was time to go. No noodles I guess. The female ticket agent then gave me a travel ring which fit over my left pinkie finger. This was a dream that I did not want to wake up from. It was nice to be in Thailand again.
Rating:
Entertaining: 7/10
Scary: 2/10
Heavenly: 5/10
Wednesday, October 13, 2021
First dream. I was with my old friend from years ago from Dawson Creek. He was with a lady. Night time. The three of us were going to go to the clouds to the upper atmosphere with parachutes. The parachutes would cancel out and we would float and fly and fall down just like someone from a Red Bull challenge did. We did it!
Wake up for a few minutes.
Then sleep again.
Day time, late afternoon. In a strange area in an grey brick alley. A vending machine dispensed nachos first then yellow liquid cheddar cheese on top of that. My old high school friend Graham was there. I asked him how much the nachos were. He said something in Italian and he was Italian too! He said, "Quarentee, Quintenetee,..." I was frustrated. I didn't understand that. I think it means 40 or 50. Not sure. I saw a couple of fluffy cats appear.
I was still angry. What does Quarentee Quintenetee mean?!
A security guard appeared. He was an enormous fat man wearing a short sleeve light blue security guard uniform. He had black hair and a slightly Elvis style hairstyle. "What's going on here?!" I told him about my problem with the nachos cheese.
Someone gave me some transparent thin but tough plastic which I ate and it tasted sweet. Then the plastic went from my stomach to my throat and out of my mouth forming a three inch wide piece of plastic which extended from my throat out of my mouth at a horizontal angle. I pulled and pulled with both hands pulling it out of my mouth or trying to. It didn't work. For someone reason I saw that someone had a pocket knife. I couldn't cut the plastic out from within my mouth so I cut it out from a length that was out of my mouth. I think I cut it too short. I could only wrap one hand around it to pull it out rather than being able to wrap two hands around it. If this ever happens be careful to not cut it too long or too short. Give enough room to be able to wrap two hands to pull it out. But what are the chances that this could happen to anyone? Anyways dreams teach.
This was a dream that I was glad to wake up from.
Rating:
Entertaining: 7/10
Scary: 6/10
Heavenly: 1/10
-When I smoked pot in the last month, the few times I did, I think these dreams I'm writing down are way too crazy and that someone is going to kill me for the craziness of these dreams. I think that someone will kill me within a year. Never mind making it through the day. I don't think I can last the next five minutes without someone knocking loudly on the door of my room and then killing me either with knives or a machine gun. Delusional much? Yeah!
Pot really really gets me paranoid. Through the roof. Big time! I can't smoke it anymore.
I hope that these dreams aren't too crazy. I want to be normal. Judging from these dreams, I think that my afterlife will be fucked. Dreams can scare me but I'm growing desensitized to that fear. Every dream is just about the same dream as the last. Weird, whatever.
Anyone having strange dreams all the time: You are not alone.
Thursday October 14
I saw a star wars character wearing a strange white mask and holding a purple and a blue lightsaber. Later I saw this person without the mask. It was Mon Mothma.
Me and my girlfriend were floating on a white mattress in the middle of a lake.
I was helping a rich white man clean his white sink. I poured some chemical in the sink then hundreds of black beetles appeared in the sink.
Rating:
Entertaining: 7/10
Scary: 4/10
Heavenly 3/10
I woke up feeling incredibly scared and even more depressed. I thought that it would be better if I was dead. Incredibly depressed. I hope I get better but I doubt it. I remember instances all throughout my life where I either wrote about or talked to people about suicide. I know I can't do it but the thoughts keep coming up. I might be depressed for life. Perhaps it would be better for me if I died soon.
It is not just things that happen. It is also the way that you react to them that is very important. Choose not to be depressed or scared about vivid dreams.
Vivid dreams are normal and healthy. They're better than the alternative which is chronic insomnia and lack of dreams, which will lead to serious health problems including burnout and eventually death.
One way to deal with dreams is to see them as interesting and entertaining. Why subscribe to Netflix for money? Dreams are the Netflix of the mind that you can watch for free.
Another way to deal with dreams is to rate them.
One, in terms of entertainment and intrigue.
Two, in terms of scariness and horror show. Most of my dreams I would rate as 4 out of 10 in terms of scariness. The most scary I've ever had was 10/10 but that was only once in Dawson Creek when I had an out of body experience, 'took a walk' and recognized the hallway of the hotel I was staying at. Not only that, I saw two ghosts of the dead. One recently dead, she was sitting on the bottom step of a stairway and wearing a black hoodie. The second died quite some time ago, decades ago and was wearing a black lace dress and she had a black veil covering her face. I woke up and screamed. Screamers are the 10/10 in terms of scary dreams.
I've read of others who had really scary dreams. Dreams that are scarier than any that you or I will ever have. Dreams of demons or in one case a dream of their father in a bathtub and the bathtub was torched completely including the father who went down the drain of the bathtub.
The person who dreamed of demons was staying at a house that was intensely haunted. Legendary haunted.
I can also give dreams a heavenly rating. Seeing things that are white represent royalty. Seeing golden or yellow things represents the angelic. Also seeing beautiful young women is always a plus. Most of not all of my dreams have a minimum of 2/10 in terms of heavenly rating. Some have had a 10/10 when I see major Royalty, a lot of them, a whole family of them or else angels. Very few dreams I've had I would give it a 10/10 heavenly rating.
So don't fear going to sleep and having a dream. Tonight could be a really good dream!
Note: Whether a dream rates as 10/10 scary and 0/10 heavenly or else rates as 0/10 scary and 10/10 heavenly, in either case, these dreams rate as 10/10 entertaining.
That's because the rating system goes as:
Entertaining rating = scary rating + heavenly rating. That's the algorithm.
Of course if the scary rating plus the heavenly rating adds up to more than ten, then the entertaining rating is an average of the scary rating plus the heavenly rating obviously derived from adding the SR and the HR and dividing it by 2.
Anyone of you can steal this idea and say that you thought it up. There could be a lot of people doing this all over the World, so many that this will be a generalized thing. Of course some of you would feel more comfortable with rating it out of 100 or else 5, or 4, or 20 rather than 10 like my rating system is structured.
Of course I neglected to include a funny or a comedy rating. For some reason, the dream world is very serious and never have I woken up from a dream laughing. The dream world is a serious son of a bitch, as serious as a heart attack. It can be heavenly and immensely happy and joyful but that's not at all the same thing as funny or comedy.
Because it's working from a different set of physics and comedy is often contingent on the set of physics you're working with, a lot would get lost in the translation. Comedy doesn't cross the interdeimensional boundary between the dream world and the waking world well. Too bad. I wouldn't mind a few laughs.
Scrooge's dream; A Christmas Carol, my rating:
Entertaining: 10/10
Scary: 8/10
Heavenly: 2/10
The dream that is life itself; my rating:
Entertaining: 9/10 9 out of 10 because life can be boring at times.
Scary: 4/10
Heavenly: 5/10
But that's just me because I'm currently on welfare. If you're a billionaire or even a millionaire, you'd probably rate it as:
Entertaining: 10/10
Scary: 2/10
Heavenly: 8/10
If you break it down into stages, dreaming vividly at night is nothing to fear.
Falling asleep stage, one is nodding off. It's calming. Nothing to fear.
Sleeping. Dreams are funky. Mind-blowing. DMT buddies. DMT is the chemical released when one dreams. The people seen in dreams are buddies. Dreams are the movies of the mind. Good and interesting movies always. In dreams, you're on autopilot. Nothing to fear.
Waking up. Still alive. Time to get on with doing the little things one looks forward to every day whether it's playing on an app, smoking, watching YouTube videos or cable television, or going on a walk or shopping. Nothing to fear.
Having long running vivid dreams that go on and on isn't a sign of mental illness and you are not going crazy. Quite on the contrary, long vivid dreams is a sign of good mental health and is the sign of a healthy active brain and brainwaves.
Thursday, October 15, 2021
Emily Carr's monkey. I dreamed of it and that it used a toy sized tea table rather than a regular sized tea table.
I fought creatures called crackers. They were miniature alligators with snapping jaws. First I used some large books to crush them. Later I stomped them with my feet.
A Thai guy showed up and he was squatting in front of an open small cabinet. I thought he was going to place the crackers in the cabinet. I said a few Thai words to him including 'auk by' which means 'get out!'
Then I met Sascha Baron Cohen. He was wearing a black turtleneck sweater and sitting to the left of me on a forward facing bus seat on the right hand side or port side of the bus. He turned out to be a very gay Sascha Baron Cohen.
Then I went up the stairs on the interior of a metallic lighthouse. There were a bunch of people looking at me in German military uniforms, WW1 style. I spoke German in the dream or else tried to. I was thinking the word yo spelt Jo was the word for I in German. No it's not jo. It's ich.
Friday, October 16,
I was exceeding at night in a playroom. Lateral parallel bars. I did a hundred leg lifts holding on to the parallel bars. I sensed it was my sister's wedding going on at the time.
The running down a hill at night with my cousin Dennis. I said to him, twice, "You got pedestrian garden variety depression.
Then go to a Chinese restaurant on the East side of Commercial or else Victoria Drive on Victoria Drive and Hastings. There was a table outside. There was a plate of turkey knuckles. The top part of the turkey claw which looked like hands were sliced.
Sunday, October 16
At Vanier Park at night. I was singing Along Came Mary. A bunch of people were also there. Then the park was slightly flooded. I sensed that the flood was worldwide. Slightly scared, considering its worldwide.
At a Chinese restaurant.
Then I saw my aunt who died earlier this year. It was dusk, the sky orange. She was in a room just inside of a balcony. Curtains were yellow and opened. She looked about 35 years old. She said that "Chinese lessons cost $740 a month plus $100." "I couldn't afford that." I said.
Then at the Chinese restaurant again. People at tables. Waiters standing around. I hesitated not knowing if I should eat the food or not.
Then I went to another room. Someone gave me an envelope. In the envelope was postcards and a 5 cent stamp with a picture of King Rama 9 of Thailand. He died. And also a 500 baht note with the picture of the King again on it.
Also a hypnagogic vision of two people dressed in yellow siting on thrones a few feet apart. There was a huge light purple curtain behind them, The Last Emperor. I waved that off as silly and imaginary and delusional.
Also a hypnagogic vision of a The Empire Strikes back storybook with pictures.
Monday, October 18, 2021
Falling down off of an Imperial Snow Walker of Star Wars. First I was seated at the pilots seat at the head. The snow Walker fell backwards and I fell down back first a distance to the bottom.
Then. Weird. Sleeping with two women. They suggested that they touch me, stroking my chest to keep warm. On the left was Steffy, a lady I know and to my right, my sister. "Sister?! Wtf!!! That's wrong!" I thought. End of dream.
Dreams seem consecutive and linear at the time but after waking up, they seem like a nebulous jumble. Writing them down helps me somehow.
Dreams are friends. Happy happy happy. Wake up. If I didn't write this down now, guaranteed in less than two weeks I'd totally forget them. Even now I struggled to remember them. I may not have gotten it 100% right. This is approximately.
Tuesday, October 19, 2021
I was singing Song In My Head, from Martha and the Muffins.
Daytime. Some stores were closed. Old white board stores in grassy field in a countryside. An American said that the stores were closed.
Dusk. I hopped some fences looking for my parents house. At one point I hopped a fence that was in front of steps leading upward with some steps missing. A delinquent young teenage boy was on top of the steps. He grabbed his crotch in a rude gesture.
I passed my parents house. It was all burned down. There was only a flat rectangar slab the size of the house in its place. I thought, "It's lucky that my parents moved out months before the pandemic.
Afternoon nap:
My neighbor was pointing out some new apps on a tablet.
A naked lady entered the room simultaneously showing then covering her breasts with her arms and hands. I moved closer to get a better look. She seemed put off when I did this. Dream over.
Wednesday, October 20
I was looking for a newly met neat friend. His phone number was on a phone book.
I met a few celebrities in a line up. Most forgotten except Ray Parker Jr. He was wearing a white sweat shirt cut off at the top of the sleeves. He had all black hair and dreadlocks. He seemed like a crack smoker, that vibe. I danced my RPJr dance and gave him a fist bump.
Ordering something at a McDonald's counter.
In a room looking at a phone book with the phone number again. Then two security guards a man and a woman called me outside. I went outside and walked away from that house. In the yard. Then walking back I looked down on to my right hand sleeve, palm down, and saw actual flowers growing out of a long sleeved white shirt with buttons and collar, the flowers were growing out of the flower patterns already on it matching the flower patterns already on it. Purple petalled daisies with a purple center. I was horrified thinking they were growths of the skin.
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Dreams aren't something I want to remember and therefore not anything I want to write about. No one is legally required to remember and to write about their dreams. I wind up doing it anyways as therapy and to get deeper answers when my afterlife life review comes up.
I often wonder if a machine has been invented to see dreams like watching a show on a television. Me writing about my dreams would fine tune and let scientists and inventors know if the machine is working.
Aliens and extraterrestrials have such an invention.
"I've watched your dreams." David the android, Prometheus, movie
Most dreams are chaotic, random and silly.
I most recently had a dream where the floral patterns on my white long sleeve shirt with collar and buttons had actual flowers growing from the floral patterns on it. Weird.
Why is the architecture and rooms seen in dreams so organized and specific if dreams are just the mindless aspersions of the subconscious?
When people die, the tether between the spirit and the body is broken. Where then? I do believe that there's a 1% chance that the brain shuts off and that's it. No heaven or hell or afterlife. Churches are there to address people's fear of death, to make them feel better because a life where you're constantly made to feel better is better than a life where you're not.
Psychics do the same thing, talk about the afterlife to make people feel better. Whether it's churches or psychics, making people feel better about death is a multi billion dollar a year industry. I'm not sure what to believe.
I think that when we die that we go to the place of dreams forever without stop and without escape. Architecture, etc seems so specific and organized and too intricate and complex. I doubt that it's imagination or the subconscious.
American Indians never believed in heaven as such. They believed that after people die they go the the happy hunting grounds. A version of life on Earth albeit a happier version.
Churches and their belief in heaven and hell is an archaic idea. So archaic that this belief occurred even during the times when people believed in the four humors which were blood, phlegm, black bile and yellow bile and even before that. Heaven and hell were to say that after death heaven awaited the good and he'll awaited the bad so you better be good. I think it's just as well to be good for goodness sake.
I'm willing to give it the benefit of the doubt. I do believe that heaven awaits for people who are good and who believe in God. But no one will find out for sure until the day they die.
I think that dreams take place in another dimension with a different time dynamic, if time travel is time experienced on an objective level and traditional linear time is time experienced on a subjective level. Also with a different set of physics, teleportation, telepathy, all people even people known as old always looking young etc. As well, in that dimension exists the ability to float up and fly. That dimension is solid to themselves and holographic to us as we are solid to ourselves and holographic to them.
Oneirologists or people who study dreams believe in cognitive disjunctions for eg the actual flower growing out of the floral pattern of my shirt is an example of cognitive disjunction.
Oneirologists also believe in interobjects that is two objects merged into one, for eg a guitar that is also a gun.
Dreams can get freaky!
This dimension has an organized structure. You can listen to your favorite song on an iPod again and again. There's no such organized structure as such in the dreamworld. You can't just listen to a specific song on an iPod at will. Life is good in that way. Savor it. Savor the opportunity to listen to a song on the iPod whenever you want. Savor life for this despite the weird awful surprises in the form of delinquent people that the damm wretched forces of life always seems to throw at you.
"There's always one more son of a bitch than you accounted for." Murphy's Law
I will miss that after I'm dead or even when I'm dreaming. No listening to songs on an iPod or a CD player, no playing apps on a tablet whenever you want. The physics of the dream world or spirit world are too random.
Life isn't always about me giving gold and getting trash in return. Often it's rather the other way around. I don't make good movies or cartoons and I don't compose of play good music yet I am always gifted with seeing excellent movies that I could never be able to make and hear great music that I myself could never come up with.
Also I am a mediocre cook at best. Yet I go to restaurants where very talented chefs cook me and anyone else who goes there meals for a modest price.
A very good friend told me, "Dreams are a normal part of life and they can get freaky. Try to eat less before sleeping, don't eat so late at night. Stomach digestion causes vivid dreams."
That may be true. I think that full or empty stomach, the weird dreams inevitably occur.
Thursday, October 21
With a few people in a room. One young lady was particularly with me. Long straight brown hair. Against the wall which was the windows and on a couch, she told me to grind some dark brown crystal powders into bullets. I wound up with five bullets. Everyone left. Then some zombies appeared outside trying to get into the room. I shot a few of them. Dream over.
Another dream. Vivid at the time. Now completely forgotten.
The following is all disturbing nightmares:
Saturday October 23
The picture below is the opposite wall or 180 degrees of the top picture.
Running through a hospital with my friend Jerry who is gay. He told me Elton John died. He wanted to show me where Elton John was. There is large empty room. Connected to this room is an open door door that was where Elton John's body was. The body was lying down on a bed and was wrapped in a yellow sheet. Only the neck to the waist of the body was seen through the open door. A lot of blood dripped down from the body. A male medical attendant wearing a light blue cap, surgical mask, and gown was standing above the body.
Blood is usually drained from corpses to be replaced with embalming fluid. That detail appeared in my dream is a detail that I otherwise wouldn't have thought of. Dreams teach.
Elton John represents England. He is Mr England or one of them.
I hesitated writing this be a use it is embarrassing to someone.
Sunday, October 24
I was at a party at night. Some inlaws of my cousins that is people married to my cousins wanted to kill me. I had a fighting stick tucked in my jacket but would that be enough?
Lots and lots of Police. Teleport to a hallway, daytime. The hallway had white walls, ceiling and floor. A pair of blue uniformed Police were in the hallway. Then at one end of the hallway, make a right turn was stairs leading down to a door. Turn left to enter the door. More Police. A few blue uniformed Police were there. I told them about my cousins in laws wanting to kill me. I also described the building we were currently in. "Hallway, stairs leading down turn left, doorway turn right."
Up the stairs down the hallway, see the two uniformed cops again. A short distance down the hall, to the left was a cafeteria. More cops. They gave me a bowl of soup. I wrote down one of the female cop who was there's name in cursive handwriting in blue ink. Rachel Potofremski. The female cop repeated the name out loud, "Rachel" while looking at me.
Teleport outside to a distance grassy meadow. Daytime. There was an all white Police car and Police dressed in all white uniforms with white Police caps. Two male cops. One of them was old with grey hair and a large grey mustache.
Then teleport to a parking lot. Daytime. I walked around. More blue uniformed Police. I was then in a car which I quickly backed into an orange van. I got out hoping no one noticed. A blue uniformed Police Officer, he was young and had red hair looked curiously at me. For some reason I still had the bowl of soup in my hand. I brought it in to some prisoners wearing dark blue-Grey one piece prison uniforms. They said that they already have soup.
Out to the parking lot again. Then most weirdly and most disturbingly, two male cops were sitting on red sofas. Blue uniform and wearing no pants. Their shaven penises were erect while two female prostitutes were suckling them off. Dream over.
Okay. This is the dream I always feared. "Write about this dream and you go to jail dream."
The all white Police car etc had a heavenly royal feel to it. Just before arresting or killing me outright, the cops would say, "Hey Sunshine! Your weird shit dream days are over!" Then bang! Bullet to the brain. My life would then be ended. That's my imagination.
I think Police are there to protect people and not only to arrest people.
One story: A paranoid expat in Thailand on Khao San Road said, "They want to kill me!"
Just then a female tourist Police Officer said, "No one is going to kill you! I'm here!"
Monday October 25
George Michael. I was walking around with him. Nighttime. A modern glass skyscraper. On some upper floors of the skyscraper was an escort service. Me and George Michael separated. George Michael went to the gay male prostitute area of the escort service. While I was sent to the heterosexual female prostitute area of the escort service. Afterwards on a porch landing area, seated around a glass table. Some other people were there too. I suggested to George Michael that we now have a up of tea. British style. George Michael thought it was a good idea.
Teleport. Daytime. Visiting someone in England seated at an extension area of a house. The man who was the host said he had to go to work. The extension area turned into a van and drove away. The van had one missing wall on the left or port side which was side that connected to the house.
Then teleport. Daytime. In a house on the ground floor. GeorgeMichael was still around. I couldn't decide whether or not to stash some enormous rocks of crack cocaine in a transparent bag. I was going to stash that in a storeroom but I decided to smoke a bit of it. Weird nightmarish because I'm terrified of smoking crack. The comedown off crack is terrifying. The large crack rocks looked royal to me. Large white and having a carved look in its indentations.
Teleport. Daytime. A room with two young Oriental women. I asked one of the women who was wearing a red turtleneck longsleeve shirt with no buttons, "What happens if a man cheats on a woman?" "Not good."
My dreams are long, saga like, epic in length. Am I going crazy? I think that because I wrote these dreams I will either be arrested and thrown in jail by Police or else killed outright by street people or else gangs for my craziness.
Killed. My life is going nowhere anyways. It would be a weird day but it would soon be gotten over with. It would circumvent years of poverty, years of more weird dreams every single night and years of growing ever older and older into senesence and old age.
Life is hell as Matt Groening said. Life is hell. Sleeping dreams are hell.
There is no heaven after we die. If life and sleeping dreams are hell, why should we get a break in the afterlife? After life, I think we go to that same weird batshit crazy place we go to in our dreams. Religious Priests say we go to heaven. That would be the ideal rather than the reality. Are they putting us on or not? The jury's out on that one.
People going through stressful times are more likely to have nightmares. Pandemic of nightmares! Are others having nightmares during the pandemic? Well you're not the only one!
Why are my dreams so long? One day I'll just get used to the time limit of the maximum length of dreams.
Why do I have dreams of gays like Elton John and George Michael? That's having dreams of two famous queers in three days! I wonder if heterosexual women sometimes have dreams where lesbians appear. Probably.
Gays, LGBTQ, whatever, appears a lot on television and on pictures and posters all around lke in bookstores, record stores and in shopping malls. The brain picks that up and tries to process and make heads or tails out of it in dreams.
The most weirdest nightmare and scary and this is going to send me into prison was the same dream as going to the marijuana shop and seeing four colors of marijuana, green, red, purple and yellow.
In this dream there was a darkened room with one dim white light bulb on in the ceiling.
One named girl child lying down on a bed sleeping while four men who looked like pirates fully clothed in one piece prisoners clothes were lying around her and sleeping. One of the men had a black beard. The pirates had taken turns molesting her! This was implied never seen although they could have been protecting her.
Then in the same room, a bunch of naked children aged 5 to 8 all lying on a single long bunk bed. One of the girl children had half formed breasts. They were then all scooped up and rescued. Most disturbing.
Warning to all. Dreams can get all batshit crazy as all hell weird and even weirder. There is absolutely no limit to the weirdness. I wake up from all long weird dreams scared shitless and wonder about how I'll find the strength to make it through the day. I don't think that I'm long for this world.
I'm scared to smoke pot now. I smoke pot and think of my dreams and get way more scared. I hope that life itself finishes me. I'm done. I'm cooked. I'm doomed.
This dream happened two months ago. It was only now that I got the courage to write about it.
Dreaming of ghostly cops with their pants off isn't so weird when I remember that one of the costs in the new TV series Ghosts based on the old UK TV series called Ghosts has as one of the ghosts a stockbroker whose pants are always off. He doesn't wear any pants at all not even underwear. Ugh! Gross!
Tuesday, October 26
All of the following dream happened in a daytime light.
At a wooden bridge someone dressed in British royal guard uniform leans forward over the railing of the bridge attempting to rescue someone. He couldn't lean back. Another man reaches out leaning forward to pull the guard back. But there is a woman in front of the man. She leans forward on a large wooden box to the left of the guard as the man leans over on top of her leaning over to help pull the guard back. Dreams teach.
Looking at some photographic backgrounds for graphic design and animation. I meet a thin lady with nice breasts. She has dark curly hair and shorter than me. I hug her and feel her prominent breasts as I hug her.
She is wearing a fuschia colored polo style shirt and black leggings.
At a house with a bunch of people. My brother appears and says, "They'll get to you when the floor drops."
Outside, driving down the street in an uncovered brown wooden cart.
I ask someone, "What does They and when the floor drops mean?" I was referring to what my brother said. The person replied, "They means a gang and when the floor drops means the weekend." Gang doesn't necessarily mean street gang. It means a gang of people, relatives, friends etc.
I was thinking, "It's an apocalypse. I can't make it. I'm better off dead. I should kill myself."
I go to a McDonald's and drop a few white pills into a McDonald's coffee cup and add sugar. I drink it down. I see that thin lady again! She was wearing a McDonald's uniform. Apparently she works there. I told her that I want to kill myself and dissolved some pills into a McDonald's coffee cup. At the mention of McDonald's coffee cup, she waved that away. She knows it's a McDonald's coffee cup.
She then told me that I was going to be a father and that she is the mother. It was unwise for me to try to kill myself. I was lying down on my right side when she said this. I sensed that I was resuscitated and healed. I was no longer under the influence of the pills.
If I am the father, why don't I remember having sex with her?
I woke and I slept shortly again but just before that I asked to no one, "Am I better off dead?" I then had a quick dream seeing two newspaper covers, don't page, one after another. The first one had a picture of a queen with a gold spiky crown and above that the headline read QUEEN. And the next picture was a picture of a king with a gold spiky crown and the headline above read KING.
Then today when I went to a soup line, someone gave me a newspaper. Today's newspaper.
Should I be scared or embarrassed about my dreams? One day, I will find the answer to this question.
It will be like this every night for the rest of my life. I might have a chance of forgetting a dream or having a really heavenly one.
Dreams could go through phases. Remember them for weeks or months on end and then forget them for months on end. Hopefully I can forget. Otherwise they are too weird. So weird that I often wonder if I'm better off dead than to live a life where every night I dream some weird crazy dream. I won't kill myself. I don't want to have that on my conscience when I die. "Well at least I didn't kill myself."
Does having nightmares mean that I'm demonically possessed? If I was, I think the Police would have arrested me. They have a sixth sense for evil people and the vibes they give off. I would think.
People who are demoncially possessed do bad things to people. Bad enough to get them arrested or busted.
Dorothy: You are a bad man!
Wizard of Oz: I'm a good man. I'm just a bad wizard.
I'm a good man who has bad dreams.
Wednesday, October 27
Weird as fuck:
Lots forgotten. At one point, sitting on a pier, daytime, I was going to trade my boat with a black man for the three valuable sugar coated ju-jubes he had.
I was visiting my parents intending to move back in with them. Looking at the clock, it was 3:30 pm. My brother who was there said, "They're not home, they're at work. This is the work season." My stepmother did seasonal work.
Dream wrong on a couple of points. The season for the seasonal work is summer not fall like it is now. Also my stepmother would be about 75 now. Would she still be working? Uh, no.
I ate a third of a marijuana candy last night in an attempt to cut down dream clarity and memory. It worked. Tonight I won't eat any. The dream will be even more intense because of the rebound effect. If one smokes marijuana for awhile to cut down on dream recall, when one stops smoking, the dreams come back even more intense than they otherwise would have been. That's the rebound effect.
I'm ready for anything. If you have crazy dreams, you're not alone. But I never heard of a dream that is uncrazy. Everybody who has a dream at all has crazy dreams.
After eating a third of the marijuana candy, I got just a tiny bit paranoid.
Incidentally, dreams are very much like a panic attack. The thing dreams have in common is during a dream, the prefrontal cortex shuts off resulting in a mild sleep paralysis during REM so one doesn't thrash about and act out their dreams. Also the amygdala is more activated during dreams which explains the usual nightmare quality of dreams. Even if I see Royalty, I get somewhat scared in dreams.
Incidentally, upon awakening, and dreams in the early morning are the most intense, I had a hypnagogic dream voice, "Queen Elizabeth has seen all three Deadpool movies."
You'll think I'm crazy and making it up. I think I'm crazy and making this up. Every time I have a Royal dream, I know I'll probably write about it and people will think I'm crazy for writing about it. I've written about quite a few royal dreams so far and no one has said anything about it. I think that Royal dreams are super common for people who live in London England.
Thursday, October 28
I was with a dark haired female security guard. She invited me to sleep over with her. Me lying down on my left side and her on her right side, she grabbed my hand and drew it to her beast.
Then a Thai Police Officer plainclothes called me over to him. He said he was looking for the female security guard and had a picture of me being behind her.
I then teleport to a basement area. It was cavernous with bags of drugs lined against the wall. In an adjoining room they wanted to pour liquid crystal meth down my throat. There was a child with no legs, the legs cut off at the knees and bandaged. There was also an old Thai woman there. A man poured the liquid crystal meth down the child's throat as he was lying down. The child then sat up and looked at me. His pupils and inner corners of his eyes towards the nose were all white!
Then the old Thai woman who was wearing a red cardigan sweater lightly tpped my best with her hand and said, "Not you." Which meant that I wasn't to be given that liquid drug. I was released from that.
Then I was in Hong Kong at night. A lady gave me a green smoothie made with coca leaves and other ingredients. I spilled a bit of it and drank it.
Some Chinese guys led me to a house a short distance away through the woods. They led me to a room which was to be my room and it was lined with books. They told me that sometimes people hire prostitutes to come here.
I then went to a house. I asked if a tiger lived here. They said it did. I look out a window and didn't see it. A young Chinese guy advised to to lean further to get a better look. I did lean out to look in the yard and not only were there a few tigers, there was a large male lion lying on his right side in a shallow square swimming pool and fighting with a tiger.
Dream over.
Super stressful. I think I'm going crazy. I hope not. I asked around. Other people talk about how having weird dreams are normal.
The rest of my life is going to be very difficult. Scary dreams and waking life has a lot of scary elements too.
In a book I am reading about dreams, people can wake up from a dream feeling that they have committed a crime.
Micro details and micro decisions as well as macro details and macrodecisions I have yet to make scare me. I get stressed out about the little things. All things.
I am amazed that I am still alive.
I often think that my reputation is tainted. If it is, would I be better of dead, I wonder. Yet I'm still alive.
I bought three books about dreams at a bookstore. One of them is Dream Interpretation In Chinese Culture by Fang Jing Pei. I bought it because Chinese people often appear in my dreams.
The book mentioned that there are many types of dreams. Among them, two of them are dreams that happen when one is stressed and dreams that happen when one has an illness or a disease.
These types of dreams are usually nightmares.
In another book, dream researcher Johnathan Winston talks about phyletic dreams which are layers within a dream that solves problems and deals with stored information deciding what information to retain and what information to dump.
The Vedas or else East Indians classified dreams as either lucky dreams or unlucky dreams.
Friday, October 29, 2021
Daytime. I was at a day camp in Dawson Creek. Nice wooden cabin. Lots of people. At the end of the camp, a bus was to take us all home. However I declined on the bus telling two young men standing in the grey gravel parking lot, the ones in charge of driving us home, that I could find my own way back despite that it was a two day journey home.
Then I could not locate a car to use to drive home with.
I went out of the camp compound through the gate.
Then I saw two Oriental guys crawling on a sidewalk on their hands and knees. I went over to them and crawled with them. They told me that they were looking for JP brand Japanese ramen noodles.
I then quickly teleported to a small store with white gyproc walls where there was a box full of JP brand ramen noodles. The JP brand was in the upper left hand side of the package. The JP letters were gold color in a black diamond which had a white border.
More to the dream but completely forgotten. Thank God.
Saturday, October 30, 2021
Daytime. I was heading South on Odlum Drive and Venables Street in Vancouver. Odlum Drive was where my aunt who died lived in the 70s. Except it wasn't outdoors like normal. It was a tunnel like a public works tunnel. At one point I was flying. The tunnel ended one block later and had an opening. Just outside the opening was a board that didn't go all the way up or else it would have blocked the opening. The board was just a foot away from the opening. I was able to crawl out of this opening but then I couldn't get back into the tunnel using this opening because it would mean bending my head and back backwards at an odd angle. Someone, a young man with long curly brown hair and stubble very calmly told me that such structural openings were normal. This man could be my spirit guide or a Jesus like figure.
More to the dream but completely forgotten. Thank God.
A book I'm reading called Get A Grip On Your Dreams by Maeve Ennis and Jennifer Parker said that Francis Crick of DNA discovery fame said that it might be a better idea not to remember and write down dreams.. Dreams are often patterns that the mind wants to discard and remembering and writing down dreams reinforces these patterns.
Dreams are manifest content, what one actually sees in dreams, as well as latent content which is what the dream symbolizes or means. Everyone I talked to said it is a good idea to write down dreams.
Every morning I wake up in fear and shame from my dreams. It takes a few hours to reset and get back to a reasonable stage state, let alone a blissful state. Today I was particularly fearful and then depressed but after a brief but restful afternoon nap I felt better. I often get depressed reflecting that I have no future and there are many resolutions I haven't been successful in overcoming. I still smoke tobacco, tying to quit but unsuccessful. Also I pick up marijuana roaches I find in the street and collect them despite that I am terrified of smoking pot. I feel better when I reflect that there are women even those I haven't met yet that would like to get to know me better and have sex with me to whatever level. Going all the way? I don't know. I have erectile dysfunction and I don't want to be on the hook for child support. I think that French kissing and being baked together, lying down together naked and kissing and cuddling and having a shower together is good enough. These thoughts can keep depression at bay. A good song on the mind also helps depression.
In the DK Books book Secrets of Dreams by Caro Ness, it said that a person once dreamed of demons. The person asked the demons, "Why do you want to hurt me?" The demons replied, "What makes you think we want to hurt you? We want to help you. You have nothing to fear from us. Why are you so afraid?" The person reached out to the demons and they disappeared and turned into a golden healing light.
Dreams are trying to help us. Just like A Christmas Carol said, "It is doomed to wander the World and to witness what it cannot share but might have shared and turned to happiness." Many times the spirits try to help and to do good but have lost their power.
I shouldn't be afraid of dreams. Yet I am. One day this will hopefully change. I didn't used to fear dreams. I used to look forward to them and I thought they were neat. In the last four months, I started to fear my dreams. It's a newly acquired fear.
I'm so afraid that now I'm not sure if I'll go to heaven when I die. I think I'll go to the weird places I go to in my dreams forever and never ending.
I don't know if I have a future. Maybe money and trips to Vancouver and London England are in my future. Who knows? That and meeting women. Other than that I'm out of answers when it comes to me having a good future. I am getting older, getting old. However I must remember to enjoy today as I will never be this young again.
Today is the oldest you have ever been and the youngest you will ever be again.
Sunday, October 31
Last entry of the month.
I was in an ecology class. The teacher displayed some symbols for us to translate. I was unable to translate them. Then the teacher pointed out to me the symbols spoke of the future. That the sun would explode and the Earth bathed in light and fire.
The old style mop top Beatles pre Sergeant Pepper appeared. People clapped and the Beatles said, "We are not plumbers so you might as well give us some laughter."
That's all I can remember.
I still feel a marginal level of fear. I am watching videos of midlife crisis. I am still compelled and be obligated to be a caregiver and the other day while caregiving I felt a moment of sheer stress exhaustion and fear. I am trying to take a day off. I get no reward for helping her except expectations to do yet another day of work. My foreseeable future is gutted. I am trying to quit. I don't mind helping a neighbour once or twice a year but this endless ongoing work. I'm not a caregiver and burnout is returning again. I am quitting for medical reasons.
Christianity teaches to be kind to neighbours. But not at the expense of one's own medical well being and not at the cost of burnout. That the forces of life would bring someone so handicapped, so dependent during a global pandemic. Sometimes life has a way of kicking you in the teeth.
A Christian hymn:
...praying that, this life complicated
All the fleeting moments past
By his grace we may be worthy
Of eternal bliss at last.
There is a type of dream called mundane dreams. These are non scary dreams which leave no impression and are mostly forgotten.
